Action Heroes

Not talking about super heroes this time. Honestly, I'd talk about the powers as a topic more realistically, but that's neither here nor there. This is about action films and, guess what, my pet peeves in the genre that I actually quite enjoy if they can balance the drama with the loveability of the characters.

Most action films will contain three characters: the hero, the sidekick, and the girl. This is the team, and the genders of each member can change but a few basic facts will always happen.

The sidekick may already know the hero, or may just be interested in why that weird guy on the bus is holding that pretty stick with a demon coming out of the- oh shiv. He will follow along with the hero in whatever quest they're going on, but his helpfulness will be easily matched by a laptop with wheels in a hamster ball.

If anything, he'll make it more difficult by paying the attention most normal people would to a temple of the other-world candles, putting the hero into a death trap. No motorcycle chases for you, you're only allowed to ride in the van making unhelpful satire. All you're allowed to do is make sure there's a guy following the hero in all his dangerous situations so the audience knows which guy is impressive. Spoiler alert: it's not you.

The girl is something added to have an instant romance subplot. Maybe she's the interesting girl in the test-tube who the main character met and fell in love with for a reason other than how she wasn't grown with a t-shirt. Maybe she's the girl who got in the taxi with the bomb the hero was disarming that never thought "maybe I'll ask him to pull over for a second". Maybe she's the hero's former summer fling.

All we know is that she will give playful snarks to the hero, because that is literally all that is needed for a movie relationship. She will be less helpful than the sidekick, in that she will be kidnapped every twelve seconds by, get this, an elbow hold.

Also, she will get a happily ever after with the hero right up to the point that a sequel is announced when she is completely forgotten by the series. It's upsetting that so many relationships are killed by action film sequels.

Then there's the hero.

He's a nob.

Oh, you want me to elaborate? Alright. He is a ruggedly handsome bad boy who, for some often weakly explained motive, wants to find the MacGuffin before the generic bad guys (either a vaguely mentioned Soviet Union or the Nazis) get it and use it to brush their evil teeth or whatever the MacGuffin does. By merit of being the hero, he get's all the glory and the girl swoons for him.

And he's just that certain level of badass where he can do superb stunts that you and I would struggle to do as well as he did, but just bad enough to fail right up until the last second where he attained a victory that a trained marine would have managed. In Galaxy Quest, the self-destruct timer doesn't actually stop until it reaches 1 second, even if you hit the button to deactivate it.

I'm bored of this, aren't you?

I want to see a hero win a fight efficiently enough to not fall off a cliff afterwards. I want to see the girl turn down the hero because, oh yeah, you threw her out of a plane. I want someone to notice the hero just punched someone to get a free drink. I want the girl to realize the sidekick is a way better catch than the hero. I want the sidekick to be as good as the audience he represents, and not doom all of humanity, but realize pushing the do not push button is a bad idea. I want a more real action hero. Not a Hollywood "you like this guy" protagonist.