In my personal opinion, the worst thing a piece of fiction can do is provide to the audience all the tools to make something exceptional, and then make something mundane.
With Disney's "the Black Cauldron", there's a wannabe warrior who is stuck protecting a magic pig and later finds a magic sword, there is a "Princess" with a magic orb who is later described as a "Scullery Maid", and a bard who provides cheap slapstick comedy with incompetence yet has the most real world experience and negotiation skills. They meet the Horned King, who wishes to resurrect an army that never dies, and a trio of witches, who operate around tricky deals and their supreme magical abilities.
This could be awesome and deeply involving, but they focus on a character nobody likes (in-universe and irl) and defeat the main villain with a gentle shove in the general direction of the titular cauldron.
Thus lies the problem with RWBY. The trailers showed absolutely amazing action sequences, with tranquil music and stoic badasses. Some showed more talkative characters with story lines you'd expect to be actual episodes or explained by the actual show. And, whilst many people disagree, the further the trailers went, the less interested in the actual show I became.
Especially as the silent and stoic badass from the first trailer was given a rather whiny voice.
When the show actually began, we were given a lengthy explanation of the things we had seen and not given a moment's thought towards the mechanics of. They have a cool action sequence to start off, dwarfed by the quality of the original trailer, and lead into a nice dialogue scene where Ruby eat cookies and raves over the hunters.
This is where the animation flaws come in. Objects are treated as whole or entirely absent, lip-sync is poor at best and the character was revealed to be one entirely removed from the one developed by hype.
The other characters are fairly cliche as well, and I shall describe them by the trope names and nothing else: The Spoiled Brat, the Badass Bookworm, the Cool Big Sis, the Plucky Comic Relief, the Ace, the CloudCuckooLander, the Deadpan Snarker, the Big Good, the Stern Teacher, the Bully, the Mafia Boss...
But what's interesting is there are some VERY good concepts in there. However, none of them are considered to be the main cast. Team RWBY is cliche and boring, while team JNPR is flawed and fun, what with the leader being the most incompetent member of the school and the national hero giving him enough sympathy to help him out when he's clearly hopeless.
During one arc, there's a race to gather gold chess pieces which decide which team you will be in. The teams that form are, however, the exact teams that naturally happened anyway whilst fighting for the chess pieces. This could have lead to a great moment where two of the team JNPR and two of the team RWBY got on the other team, but Ozpin decided "hang it all, you don't need chess pieces to tell you where your allegiance is. You just need two giant monsters to fight."
And that's just one of the many brilliant moments perfectly set up and then never utilised. One of them could potentially happen, but I do not have enough faith in the story that they'll include that. Hilariouly, the character who's trailer was most focused on story is the only character to receive no development or defining character moments what so ever.
One of the main downfalls is that they're trying to be an anime, including where it comes to episode length, but due to the limitations of webvideo, they show it as one episode in 4 parts. Additionally, the style doesn't adapt well to the silly anime moments of minimalist animation and can seem inconsistent.
Do not get me started on Ruby's "crazy idea". Getting at speed and cutting off a bird's head with a giant scythe is a very rational idea, while Nora's idea of rocket-jumping to stab a scorpion with it's own tail is actually crazy.
And that is what annoys me about RWBY. There are the tools to make something amazing beyond compare, but they made something which is not bad.
Friday, 18 October 2013
Friday, 20 September 2013
When Characters Escape You
There's a phenomenon that tends to happen as a writer working in any form of media. If you create a character with enough of a personality and a clear enough drive, or simply a character who you have spent a lot of time in control of, you will find their actions coming to you in a different way than normal. Where as before, the character probably existed to fill a role or move the story forward or provide exposition, the character is an entity in it's own right. You stop writing what you want the character to do, and start writing what the character would do.
This phenomenon has been explored in the Nostalgia Critic, but I want to share something I noticed with characters of my own.
I was adapting the ugly duckling to my fictional world, except it followed a RomCom style where the "duckling" fancies a boy, a girl comes along who convinces her she won't get the guy by being so meek, the guy is overheard complimenting the original appearance of the duckling, the evil girl gets her comeuppance.
Except I needed an exposition sponge for the boy to interact with, or his side of the story would remain entirely in his head and the story wouldn't even exist without a heap of useless padding.
In comes Tristan, a goofball who goes to extreme lengths to entertain his friend or generally prove a point. He took a challenge that the boy would be famous by simply knowing his name, and even appeared on the news to achieve this. Through the story, he's even learning how to play guitar singing an awful song about the boy's name.
Then I fleshed him out at the climax, where I needed a suitable comeuppance and he seemed the character to deliver. I made his learning the guitar a very complex way of telling off a girl who turned horrid at his old school, and he just became one of my favorite characters introduced during a joke.
Flash forward to when I thought about what a fanfiction in this fictional setting would be like. I realized he would not accept the reality of a mary sue plot, and would actively revolt against it. This is when I learned he was writing himself.
Flash forward further to another fictional tale I wrote just recently. I wanted a fixer who would set up a perfect moment through thoroughly planned out manipulation and MANY prior arrangements. It just seemed wrong to have a new character when the clear character to use was Tristan. And through this story, he struggled against the plot designs, but it all worked to something he and only he would do.
But then I noticed something else. In one of my first stories, I put the main couple of Alan and Jasmine as the primary pair. They were a shakey couple at best, but had enough tender moments to put them together. I knew very early on that they broke up shortly after the story.
Their friends, Alice and Boon, were only really there to fuel conversation and commentate on the events going on around them. There was no hint in my mind of them being a couple, but looking back, I can't deny it for a moment. They chose to spend time together, decided to commentate a race together while Alan and Jasmine were being snuggly, and had a friendship that lasted beyond the relationship of their best friends.
Not only do my characters decide what they do in story, but they make relationships entirely of their own accord. Maybe it's because I'm a shipper, but if this means my characters have more complexity than the author can comprehend, then more shippers should be original storytellers.
This phenomenon has been explored in the Nostalgia Critic, but I want to share something I noticed with characters of my own.
I was adapting the ugly duckling to my fictional world, except it followed a RomCom style where the "duckling" fancies a boy, a girl comes along who convinces her she won't get the guy by being so meek, the guy is overheard complimenting the original appearance of the duckling, the evil girl gets her comeuppance.
Except I needed an exposition sponge for the boy to interact with, or his side of the story would remain entirely in his head and the story wouldn't even exist without a heap of useless padding.
In comes Tristan, a goofball who goes to extreme lengths to entertain his friend or generally prove a point. He took a challenge that the boy would be famous by simply knowing his name, and even appeared on the news to achieve this. Through the story, he's even learning how to play guitar singing an awful song about the boy's name.
Then I fleshed him out at the climax, where I needed a suitable comeuppance and he seemed the character to deliver. I made his learning the guitar a very complex way of telling off a girl who turned horrid at his old school, and he just became one of my favorite characters introduced during a joke.
Flash forward to when I thought about what a fanfiction in this fictional setting would be like. I realized he would not accept the reality of a mary sue plot, and would actively revolt against it. This is when I learned he was writing himself.
Flash forward further to another fictional tale I wrote just recently. I wanted a fixer who would set up a perfect moment through thoroughly planned out manipulation and MANY prior arrangements. It just seemed wrong to have a new character when the clear character to use was Tristan. And through this story, he struggled against the plot designs, but it all worked to something he and only he would do.
But then I noticed something else. In one of my first stories, I put the main couple of Alan and Jasmine as the primary pair. They were a shakey couple at best, but had enough tender moments to put them together. I knew very early on that they broke up shortly after the story.
Their friends, Alice and Boon, were only really there to fuel conversation and commentate on the events going on around them. There was no hint in my mind of them being a couple, but looking back, I can't deny it for a moment. They chose to spend time together, decided to commentate a race together while Alan and Jasmine were being snuggly, and had a friendship that lasted beyond the relationship of their best friends.
Not only do my characters decide what they do in story, but they make relationships entirely of their own accord. Maybe it's because I'm a shipper, but if this means my characters have more complexity than the author can comprehend, then more shippers should be original storytellers.
Tuesday, 16 July 2013
Extended KH3 World Speculation
Thanks to Kiero, the main guy I wanted to read the last blog, I came up with a brilliant idea based off the forgotten city world.
He said it should probably be the Planet's Core world, so let's pretend I called it that.
So, Cloud is a part of the HBRC and working hard. Shinra comes along all up in their business, but generally just being the Russia to Leon's America and not doing anything too drastic. Bla bla, storyline, bla, big mid game Radient Garden climax.
During this section, Sora and Leon meet three individuals on the town defences, all with Silvery hair. Each one of them just pointedly asks them where their brother is, refusing to believe Sora's ever astounding ignorance. Leon, however, is having none of these punks coming into his town and telling him that they're all gonna just lounge around and hunt down one of its citizens!
Cue epic fight scene! Leon manages to do a lot better than you'd typically assume a side character to do, proving that they need the 3 on 1 advantage to take him down. They do, however, state that they're for brother to defeat, not Leonheart. With this, they take off and the plot continues.
While Cloud is helping fight, guess who show up? The remnants! They have a confrontation, Cloud shouting about why their not sending the big guy any more and generally taunting the trio. The trio then tell him to follow them to the place where mother lies, Cloud yelling he's never going there. Sora catches up to Cloud, but Cloud just says he needs to be alone and jumps world.
Once you're done on Radient Garden, you're headed off to Disney Worlds like normal. Difference is there's one of the Remnants standing in a battlefield-ready area in a section of the map not used by the story. They each have a set place, so only three worlds need to be visited. Once you confront the character, they talk about the area, and ask you where "Brother" is. They then take the "beat it out of them" approach and you get to fight them.
Once all three are defeated, there's a small cutscene in the Olympus Colosseum with Cloud talking about an old friend he knew, and deciding he will confront his darkness. He then gives Sora a nav gummi, in case he wants to blunder in.
This gummi leads to an optional world, called "Planet Core". It's entirely what you'd expect. There's a triple fight against the remnants, there's a duel with Sephiroth, there's even a truck load of cameos.
He said it should probably be the Planet's Core world, so let's pretend I called it that.
So, Cloud is a part of the HBRC and working hard. Shinra comes along all up in their business, but generally just being the Russia to Leon's America and not doing anything too drastic. Bla bla, storyline, bla, big mid game Radient Garden climax.
During this section, Sora and Leon meet three individuals on the town defences, all with Silvery hair. Each one of them just pointedly asks them where their brother is, refusing to believe Sora's ever astounding ignorance. Leon, however, is having none of these punks coming into his town and telling him that they're all gonna just lounge around and hunt down one of its citizens!
Cue epic fight scene! Leon manages to do a lot better than you'd typically assume a side character to do, proving that they need the 3 on 1 advantage to take him down. They do, however, state that they're for brother to defeat, not Leonheart. With this, they take off and the plot continues.
While Cloud is helping fight, guess who show up? The remnants! They have a confrontation, Cloud shouting about why their not sending the big guy any more and generally taunting the trio. The trio then tell him to follow them to the place where mother lies, Cloud yelling he's never going there. Sora catches up to Cloud, but Cloud just says he needs to be alone and jumps world.
Once you're done on Radient Garden, you're headed off to Disney Worlds like normal. Difference is there's one of the Remnants standing in a battlefield-ready area in a section of the map not used by the story. They each have a set place, so only three worlds need to be visited. Once you confront the character, they talk about the area, and ask you where "Brother" is. They then take the "beat it out of them" approach and you get to fight them.
Once all three are defeated, there's a small cutscene in the Olympus Colosseum with Cloud talking about an old friend he knew, and deciding he will confront his darkness. He then gives Sora a nav gummi, in case he wants to blunder in.
This gummi leads to an optional world, called "Planet Core". It's entirely what you'd expect. There's a triple fight against the remnants, there's a duel with Sephiroth, there's even a truck load of cameos.
Friday, 5 July 2013
Kingdom Hearts 3 Worlds Speculation
It was bound to happen. When Kingdom Hearts 3 was announced with a small tech demo, every Kingdom Hearts fan immediately jumped to a thought of "I wonder what they're gonna do this time!" Well, it was less what they think will happen and what they want to happen, regardless of whether or not it's a viable idea.
I'm not going to do that. I'm going to do my best to list the worlds that are likely to appear, and will justify myself at every turn. If I suggest a new world, I will admit that I am being a slight fanboy for it, but I genuinely believe it would fit into the KH universe.
As an assumption, I believe the game to take place 1 year after KH2.
Something amazing would be if the Restoration Committee was being usurped by a small gang called "The Turks", lead by Shinra. Unlikely that Reno would be there, given Lea's pivotal role in the story, but it would still kick arse! You introduce a new threat to RG's stability, and bring in more FF characters. Chances are they'll just bring in Snow, which is better than some alternative FF13 characters.
Plus, they have a fairly good environment for Shaz to turn up and finally have a black guy in the series that doesn't represent the darkness. Suddenly, we have Chocobos in the series.
I kind of hope that this doesn't return, but I must sadly admit it very well could.
I struggled with the name, I have to say. It has to involve the world Jungle, but Deep Jungle was taken. And given they can't use Tarzan, they're unable to use the name without controversy about his absence.
Sora gets his Space Paranoids get up, and decides to explore the other areas Tron brought back online. The three he got working again are Fit It Felix Jr., Hero's Duty and Sugar Rush. There's only two rooms in the former two, but Sugar Rush takes up most of the level.
Heartless based on Haribo. Heartless Gummy Bear. It's just so easy to include in the story, you'd be mad not to.
Ooh! Vincent shows up, showing what happens if you live with the darkness but don't let it consume you! Heck, let's just bring in Barrett too.
I'm not going to do that. I'm going to do my best to list the worlds that are likely to appear, and will justify myself at every turn. If I suggest a new world, I will admit that I am being a slight fanboy for it, but I genuinely believe it would fit into the KH universe.
As an assumption, I believe the game to take place 1 year after KH2.
Returning Worlds
Radiant Garden
This is one that's become a staple of the series, and it's unlikely to stop now. There will be Merlin's ever moving house, a market square, some section of castle that holds the computer, and there is even a chance of Maleficent's castle turning up.Something amazing would be if the Restoration Committee was being usurped by a small gang called "The Turks", lead by Shinra. Unlikely that Reno would be there, given Lea's pivotal role in the story, but it would still kick arse! You introduce a new threat to RG's stability, and bring in more FF characters. Chances are they'll just bring in Snow, which is better than some alternative FF13 characters.
Castle Oblivion
Sora picked up Master Keeper, the only thing capable of navigating Castle Oblivion. Combining this with the hints that Ven's gonna wake up again, you can only assume they will go and pick him up.Twilight Town
They included it in the tech demo. You do the math.Plus, they have a fairly good environment for Shaz to turn up and finally have a black guy in the series that doesn't represent the darkness. Suddenly, we have Chocobos in the series.
The Mysterious Tower
Yen Sid is still the master, so they'll check in when he gives them the obvious exposition at the start of the game. I would love if he magic'd another structure that is normally next to him but wasn't because magic.Agrabah
It's a staple of the series, and they've just done the sequel so it's unlikely they'd stop now. The story is right there, and you know they'll work the cave of wonders in there for SOME reason.Olympus Collesium
There is no reason for this to be here, other than that it's a staple of the series and the tournaments are extremely popular. I have no idea of the story, but presumably Hades uses a dead FF character to finally topple Hercules while Sora's trio try to prove themselves heroes.Halloween/Christmas Town
I don't think there's a lot of potential for this one, since they've already killed Oogie twice. (Admittedly, with a lot more explanation of how it happened than Ursula being killed three times!)I kind of hope that this doesn't return, but I must sadly admit it very well could.
New Worlds
Wild Jungle
A Jungle Book world, something they intended for BBS but couldn't quite make in time.Some Aztec Temples, a wasteland, a riverside, a wolfden, and the riverside by the man village. And the return of the Deep Jungle heartless.I struggled with the name, I have to say. It has to involve the world Jungle, but Deep Jungle was taken. And given they can't use Tarzan, they're unable to use the name without controversy about his absence.
Game Terminal
Having sorted out the computer, Tron sets the teleporter nearby to lead to Ansem's recreation software, filled with old arcade games. Tron is setting up his Space Paranoids game, and invites Sora in to see how things are going. Given he's gonna see Tron again, he jumps right in.Sora gets his Space Paranoids get up, and decides to explore the other areas Tron brought back online. The three he got working again are Fit It Felix Jr., Hero's Duty and Sugar Rush. There's only two rooms in the former two, but Sugar Rush takes up most of the level.
Heartless based on Haribo. Heartless Gummy Bear. It's just so easy to include in the story, you'd be mad not to.
Nomanisan Island
I'm cribbing this idea from somewhere else, but it's all public domain speculation. Meet the Incredibles who wonder why you're so strong, despite not being supers. Chased down by Syndrome... There's a lot of potential here, more than most Pixar films I can think up. People love toy story, but it's always a challenge saying why the character has to shrink.Blue Island
Stitch lands, meets Lilo, fends off Gantu with Sora's help. There might even be a little cutscene before Sora heads there where stitch sneaks on board while Sora is leaving Radiant Garden. He pops out and has to learn how to cope without a large city like Radiant Garden to cause havoc in.Corona
This one's a little bit more unlikely, but the world of Rapunzel. You have the city square and prison, the forest, the tower, the dam, the snugly duckling... You fight alongside Flynn, which is the character you'd follow closest.The Forgotten City
I have no idea how likely this is, but they need SOMEWHERE to have the next Cloud/Sephiroth fight. Why not have a world Cloud went to in order to fight the darkness inside him, represented in this case by the Remnants of Mother. Kadaaj, Loz and Yazoo, plus a small army of enemies, against Cloud and Sora's gang.Ooh! Vincent shows up, showing what happens if you live with the darkness but don't let it consume you! Heck, let's just bring in Barrett too.
Sunday, 30 June 2013
How to Make Maleficent Sympathetic(-ish)
I cracked it. I know how to give Maleficent a realistic, relatable motivation without destroying her villainy.
I know Maleficent is a character that should not have a pure and honest motivation for sentencing a child to death, but it all depends on what sort of character you are trying to portray. She does NOT work as a hero, but that's not the only change.
You could make her insane, as I previously have, and set her on her path of violent destruction because she was obsessive over a certain man while in Aurora's area.
Another one that resonates with me strongly is that Maleficent is perfectly aware of the story she is in, and simply is doing what so many modern story tellers are doing poorly: making a perfect fairy tale grim. She tries to set up a version where Aurora dies, with the fairies then choosing to twist it to a love awakening story.
She tries to suggest a more reasonable compromise, but Aurora goes missing for years. Therefore, she tries to set up a bittersweet ending where Aurora does awaken, but her love is an elderly man who was kept in a dungeon for 100 years. The fairies then get active in subverting this story and even turn her bird to stone after he makes the guards subdue Phillip.
Only after her pet is, for all intents and purposes, killed off does she start getting violent lightning and dragon smacking our hero. She got pretty peeved with how things turned out, understandably, and figures she can still have a tragic ending if the prince dies and Aurora and the kingdom are trapped in an eternal slumber.
This gives her the reason of being a story teller who is simply trying to influence the story she is in to end in a more interesting way than "they lived happily ever after". She is by no means unreasonable, but definitely not a truly sympathetic character.
She is a horrid, horrid woman. But now, you understand why she does what she does.
I know Maleficent is a character that should not have a pure and honest motivation for sentencing a child to death, but it all depends on what sort of character you are trying to portray. She does NOT work as a hero, but that's not the only change.
You could make her insane, as I previously have, and set her on her path of violent destruction because she was obsessive over a certain man while in Aurora's area.
Another one that resonates with me strongly is that Maleficent is perfectly aware of the story she is in, and simply is doing what so many modern story tellers are doing poorly: making a perfect fairy tale grim. She tries to set up a version where Aurora dies, with the fairies then choosing to twist it to a love awakening story.
She tries to suggest a more reasonable compromise, but Aurora goes missing for years. Therefore, she tries to set up a bittersweet ending where Aurora does awaken, but her love is an elderly man who was kept in a dungeon for 100 years. The fairies then get active in subverting this story and even turn her bird to stone after he makes the guards subdue Phillip.
Only after her pet is, for all intents and purposes, killed off does she start getting violent lightning and dragon smacking our hero. She got pretty peeved with how things turned out, understandably, and figures she can still have a tragic ending if the prince dies and Aurora and the kingdom are trapped in an eternal slumber.
This gives her the reason of being a story teller who is simply trying to influence the story she is in to end in a more interesting way than "they lived happily ever after". She is by no means unreasonable, but definitely not a truly sympathetic character.
She is a horrid, horrid woman. But now, you understand why she does what she does.
Tuesday, 28 May 2013
New blog
Okay, I don't have much business having one blog, let alone two, but I figured I might as well sort out my blog posts more. So, all my blogs about something that should be done will now be posted on susagaideas.blogspot.com, which I am going to call "Why doesn't this exist yet?"
Sunday, 14 April 2013
Omegle
Sometimes, I get bored. Sometimes, this boredom will lead me to Omegle. This is a nice place for me to chat with people about pretty much anything. They often want to talk about sex, but you learn how to dodge this.
I use their question feature, as it helps skip to the interesting part of the conversation: having something to talk about that isn't "asl". Someone suggests something for the other two to talk about, and they watch the scene unfold.
Now, I'm getting royally annoyed at something FAR too many users are doing. They have mistaken omegle, a website for people to chat at random, for somewhere for people to post their username for another chat site Kik. I have never used kik. I don't intend to. I did not come to omegle to chat on kik. If I wanted to chat on Kik, can you guess where I'd be? What's that? Kik? Why, I think that sounds about right!
It has gotten to the point where any users who actually want to talk about something interesting have to wade through a sea of kik users trawling along for someone to talk to. I don't know where they could find someone to talk to on a random chatsite!
It may be good for some people who actually want to chat on kik instead of the place they came to. Probably helps them shift through convos so they find someone as braindead as they are. But for the people who want to talk about the given topic, it's less than useless. It's a large obstacle that zerg rushes users relentlessly.
It gives nothing to talk about! What can we say other than "god damn it, get off our site!" or "sure, I'll have a clean chat with you on this other site, totally random but clearly legit stranger!"
Someone probably set up a kik exchange website somewhere. Search kik exchange. It's just an idea. If not, give it time. But one thing for sure is omegle wasn't made to be a username exchange for another website! It was made for random conversations and bolstering some random american politician who claimed he would legalise everything whenever you mentioned Obama or Romney. That annoyed me too.
I can't say omegle should be perfect. I can't say omegle ever will be perfect. Too many penises in the video chat. And no, moderation won't work. It just means there's one group of people who want to see naked men and one group who hope they won't see a naked man but probably will eventually.
But we should at least make an effort with the question section. The questions will still be dumb, but we'll have something more interesting to talk about than posting a seventeen-thousandth kik request. Or the fact that you're sexually aroused of whatever gender and looking for a chat of some form.
I hope you learned something. And if you're someone who posts your kik username on omegle GET THE HECK OFF OMEGLE AND FIND YOUR OWN WEBSITE TO RUIN!!!
P.s., it makes no sense to say your sexual orientation and ask for a clean chat.
I use their question feature, as it helps skip to the interesting part of the conversation: having something to talk about that isn't "asl". Someone suggests something for the other two to talk about, and they watch the scene unfold.
Now, I'm getting royally annoyed at something FAR too many users are doing. They have mistaken omegle, a website for people to chat at random, for somewhere for people to post their username for another chat site Kik. I have never used kik. I don't intend to. I did not come to omegle to chat on kik. If I wanted to chat on Kik, can you guess where I'd be? What's that? Kik? Why, I think that sounds about right!
It has gotten to the point where any users who actually want to talk about something interesting have to wade through a sea of kik users trawling along for someone to talk to. I don't know where they could find someone to talk to on a random chatsite!
It may be good for some people who actually want to chat on kik instead of the place they came to. Probably helps them shift through convos so they find someone as braindead as they are. But for the people who want to talk about the given topic, it's less than useless. It's a large obstacle that zerg rushes users relentlessly.
It gives nothing to talk about! What can we say other than "god damn it, get off our site!" or "sure, I'll have a clean chat with you on this other site, totally random but clearly legit stranger!"
Someone probably set up a kik exchange website somewhere. Search kik exchange. It's just an idea. If not, give it time. But one thing for sure is omegle wasn't made to be a username exchange for another website! It was made for random conversations and bolstering some random american politician who claimed he would legalise everything whenever you mentioned Obama or Romney. That annoyed me too.
I can't say omegle should be perfect. I can't say omegle ever will be perfect. Too many penises in the video chat. And no, moderation won't work. It just means there's one group of people who want to see naked men and one group who hope they won't see a naked man but probably will eventually.
But we should at least make an effort with the question section. The questions will still be dumb, but we'll have something more interesting to talk about than posting a seventeen-thousandth kik request. Or the fact that you're sexually aroused of whatever gender and looking for a chat of some form.
I hope you learned something. And if you're someone who posts your kik username on omegle GET THE HECK OFF OMEGLE AND FIND YOUR OWN WEBSITE TO RUIN!!!
P.s., it makes no sense to say your sexual orientation and ask for a clean chat.
Monday, 8 April 2013
Villains
I can't speak for everyone, especially after that court hearing, but it is widely accepted that villains make the story what they are. In a literal sense, they provide the antagonist of the story, driving through the conflict and actually making a story exist. In a figurative sense, they're the most profound and watchable characters with the best lines, songs and overall impact.
My favourite character in Snow White was the Queen. She was just so vile when she walked past a skeleton in her dungeon reaching for a jug that's just too far, then kicked the jug onto his dry remains with a cruel taunt and laugh. The most interesting, or at least popular, character in Batman is the Joker. Heck, my personal favourite portrayal in Wicked, a story about the wicked witch, was the Wizard, who filled the role of antagonist.
And this leads on to my main discussion point. Ever since wicked, people have been trying to humanize the villains into sympathetic characters by showing things from their point of view. People leap at the chance to show why the queen, a woman so vain and petty she lead many murder attempts towards a twelve year old, is secretly tragic.
In their defence, some villains benefit greatly from the portrayal. Wicked, for one, shows it can be done, and done spectacularly. Most villains need some form of drive to make them characters at all.
But there is a film coming next year called Maleficent. I am not looking forward to it.
Maleficent is a wondrously evil character, deciding at a baby's christening when and how she will die and using the full forces of hell to ensure it will happen. When things are gently nudged astray, she turns this chain of events into a similarly sinister life for the child AND her loved one. Her motive? No invitation.
Let's face it, that's not her motive. Until that christening, she was in a state of cold war, waiting for a reason to attack. The invitation was her "we have found nuclear weapons in Afghanistan".
The movie is going to make her, according to wikipedia, "desperately seeking for acceptance".
Another think I'm not looking forward to is Starkid's upcoming musical Twisted, a Wicked meets Aladdin story. Since Aladdin's sort of arrogant and while the city's full of cut-throats and thieves, the sultan is morbidly obese.
Except the guards follow Jafar's orders. If the city is a violent place where thieves run amok, that is purely because he was too busy manipulating the sultan. The only time the guards actually make any progress in tracking a notorious thief, it's because Jafar is planning on using him to conquer the world.
We like villains for being villains. We may like the villains, but we like them as an opponent more than an ally. The more we support the villains, the more we don't want the heroes to win. They're the conflict of the story and if they're in a good mood, we're not and vice versa. It just sucks to be watching a film and the moment where you once went "F*CK YEAH!", you now go "No, Jonathan!".
My favourite character in Snow White was the Queen. She was just so vile when she walked past a skeleton in her dungeon reaching for a jug that's just too far, then kicked the jug onto his dry remains with a cruel taunt and laugh. The most interesting, or at least popular, character in Batman is the Joker. Heck, my personal favourite portrayal in Wicked, a story about the wicked witch, was the Wizard, who filled the role of antagonist.
And this leads on to my main discussion point. Ever since wicked, people have been trying to humanize the villains into sympathetic characters by showing things from their point of view. People leap at the chance to show why the queen, a woman so vain and petty she lead many murder attempts towards a twelve year old, is secretly tragic.
In their defence, some villains benefit greatly from the portrayal. Wicked, for one, shows it can be done, and done spectacularly. Most villains need some form of drive to make them characters at all.
But there is a film coming next year called Maleficent. I am not looking forward to it.
Maleficent is a wondrously evil character, deciding at a baby's christening when and how she will die and using the full forces of hell to ensure it will happen. When things are gently nudged astray, she turns this chain of events into a similarly sinister life for the child AND her loved one. Her motive? No invitation.
Let's face it, that's not her motive. Until that christening, she was in a state of cold war, waiting for a reason to attack. The invitation was her "we have found nuclear weapons in Afghanistan".
The movie is going to make her, according to wikipedia, "desperately seeking for acceptance".
Another think I'm not looking forward to is Starkid's upcoming musical Twisted, a Wicked meets Aladdin story. Since Aladdin's sort of arrogant and while the city's full of cut-throats and thieves, the sultan is morbidly obese.
Except the guards follow Jafar's orders. If the city is a violent place where thieves run amok, that is purely because he was too busy manipulating the sultan. The only time the guards actually make any progress in tracking a notorious thief, it's because Jafar is planning on using him to conquer the world.
We like villains for being villains. We may like the villains, but we like them as an opponent more than an ally. The more we support the villains, the more we don't want the heroes to win. They're the conflict of the story and if they're in a good mood, we're not and vice versa. It just sucks to be watching a film and the moment where you once went "F*CK YEAH!", you now go "No, Jonathan!".
Monday, 25 February 2013
Adaptations
I have just today seen Wreck-it Ralph. It was awesome for many different reasons. I do find the time delay from America to England (which speaks the same language) absolutely absurd, but there's not much I can say about that.
What I WILL say is that it has succeeded in a genre that so many films have failed in. I consider it to be the first utterly good adaptation of videogames that the film industry has created.
Films tend to do that. While some studios like to take risks and push the boundaries of what films can accomplish, most like to sit in one place and make safe profits. And it also helps their writers if the story already exists. In order to do this, they disregard originality and adapt a story that already exists.
Books are good for this. They are a medium that can't be seen in motion, so a film is a nice depiction for the people who want the story but can't be bothered with the book. In the case of Da Vinci Code, most people agree this is better.
The same goes for comic books, which helps considering the writers tend to add a little to help translate a small book into a 2 hour movie with often no dramatic narration.
Video games get a little more iffy, since they are already a visual medium where there's not much added. In fact, there's more taken away than added. You will have to lose control over the character, the flexibility in designing the face (if it's not live action, we're just watching a cutscene), 20 hours of gameplay, cool game mechanics, immersion and a large chunk of story. And this will annoy many people.
It's a two way street between video games and films. Films know they can make money with a licenced game, so they make a quick one at minimal cost to replicate the story of the film in a game format. Films tell a more fluid story than a game can portray, and the plot will get interrupted every so often in order to add some padding. We know the story, and the game will likely add nothing new to the film other than padding techniques.
The worst game ever created was a licenced game (either Superman 64 or ET 2600, depending on who you ask), since they're cheep cash-ins on something actually popular.
I would also mention when people try to turn television series into films, but this is just so retarded it's not worth mentioning. I mean, come on! A visual medium being turned into a visual medium that's functionally identical but far shorter? Please... (hint, M Night, hint)
The good adaptations are where they try to be original while still adapting. The Pokemon anime took the basic outline of the pokemon story, but treated it as more an original character in the pokemon world following his own, much more detailed story. We can complain they get the game mechanics wrong, but they're so far away from the story that we can't criticise it for being different.
Wreck-it Ralph just took the characters and concept of arcade videogames, and used it as a jumping point for a story about it being okay to be the bad guy if you're a good guy at heart. The settings are incredibly videogame, and all the characters are nothing but videogame stereotypes, but they go on a story that we can all like for its originality.
Although watching Wreck-it Ralph, I can't help but think a game where it's just SSB with the characters would be fun as friggity friggity froo.
What I WILL say is that it has succeeded in a genre that so many films have failed in. I consider it to be the first utterly good adaptation of videogames that the film industry has created.
Films tend to do that. While some studios like to take risks and push the boundaries of what films can accomplish, most like to sit in one place and make safe profits. And it also helps their writers if the story already exists. In order to do this, they disregard originality and adapt a story that already exists.
Books are good for this. They are a medium that can't be seen in motion, so a film is a nice depiction for the people who want the story but can't be bothered with the book. In the case of Da Vinci Code, most people agree this is better.
The same goes for comic books, which helps considering the writers tend to add a little to help translate a small book into a 2 hour movie with often no dramatic narration.
Video games get a little more iffy, since they are already a visual medium where there's not much added. In fact, there's more taken away than added. You will have to lose control over the character, the flexibility in designing the face (if it's not live action, we're just watching a cutscene), 20 hours of gameplay, cool game mechanics, immersion and a large chunk of story. And this will annoy many people.
It's a two way street between video games and films. Films know they can make money with a licenced game, so they make a quick one at minimal cost to replicate the story of the film in a game format. Films tell a more fluid story than a game can portray, and the plot will get interrupted every so often in order to add some padding. We know the story, and the game will likely add nothing new to the film other than padding techniques.
The worst game ever created was a licenced game (either Superman 64 or ET 2600, depending on who you ask), since they're cheep cash-ins on something actually popular.
I would also mention when people try to turn television series into films, but this is just so retarded it's not worth mentioning. I mean, come on! A visual medium being turned into a visual medium that's functionally identical but far shorter? Please... (hint, M Night, hint)
The good adaptations are where they try to be original while still adapting. The Pokemon anime took the basic outline of the pokemon story, but treated it as more an original character in the pokemon world following his own, much more detailed story. We can complain they get the game mechanics wrong, but they're so far away from the story that we can't criticise it for being different.
Wreck-it Ralph just took the characters and concept of arcade videogames, and used it as a jumping point for a story about it being okay to be the bad guy if you're a good guy at heart. The settings are incredibly videogame, and all the characters are nothing but videogame stereotypes, but they go on a story that we can all like for its originality.
Although watching Wreck-it Ralph, I can't help but think a game where it's just SSB with the characters would be fun as friggity friggity froo.
Friday, 4 January 2013
Starters
Okay, this may seem odd given how much I like pokemon, but I am not a fan of starter pokemon. Well, I guess not all of them are that bad, but the concept of them rather annoys me.
First off, let's discuss their catchability. Three pokemon in a region are gathered by a pokemon professor and a trainer is given one. As far as the games go, this is the only way to possibly get any of them. So why can't you find this mythical Oshawott nature reserve and go to town on them safari zone style?
And if they don't show up in any location naturally that you can get to, why can so many other trainers own these guys? Gardenia owns a Turtwig, and it's clearly not her starter because it's not her strongest pokemon. Where did she catch it? Why won't she share this secret with me so I can save the cost of a second game in order to catch 'em all? Gardenia, why have you forsaken me?
Secondly, there's the choices. We have three: a grass, a water and a fire. Why these three? Why, of all the pokemon in the world, did you endeavour to catch three otherwise uncatchable pokemon just to give them to children? I would have had just as good an experience if I was given a Bellsprout instead of a Venusaur. They are functionally identical.
And why these exact types? Could a ghost type be so bad? I get the functionality of a water type means you'd be rather silly to not get one, but fire is mainly good due to it's power and grass has no functionality what so ever. It just serves to fill your team.
And don't tell me that choices vary between games, because Bianca gives the same choice to you that she got two years ago, and didn't mention a word about it being identical to her scenario.
And how come nobody else seems to have the restrictions I do? Okay, one person has a little more restriction, but he picked just to one up me. Or picked before something better than me with who knows what restriction. That Joey kid has a rattata, and I bet you he didn't have to bother with some silly "Rattata or Pidgey" scenario. Actually, I know he didn't. He would have picked the Pidgey.
Then there's the focus people seem to give these Pokemon. They get special moves and attention everywhere. There's fanart devoted to them for the specific reason that you weren't allowed to start with Magnemite. There is nothing special about them, but because you have to start with them, they are the best things in the world.
I reckon that, if Mudkip was just a normal pokemon and not a starter, the whole meme would be made about Diglett. Which would be the actual best thing ever, let me tell you.
And due to all the attention we give these guys because "HEY, STARTER!", they can very easily become the most overpowered member of the team. So many players have had a single level one hundred starter and maybe a legendary at about level fifty, but nothing else except HM slaves and space filler. I started having an even team around about Emerald after my Sapphire was nought more than "Ode to Blazekin ft. Kyogre".
Now to specific annoyances. Fire types. Let's ignore the fact that no responsible man of science would give a teenager a small demi-dragon with a lit flame on it and the power to produce more without secretly hating the child's mother (which is unlikely, given all the sex between them (I have said it, it must be canon!)). Let's instead talk about secondary typing.
Why do we have so many secondary types? We have had one Fire type without a secondary type, and he's one of my favourite pokemon ever. There has also been one Fire Flying, which is the worlds favourite pokemon ever. Sort of understandable, as I'd get one too during my play through if I didn't have much else.
The others are Fire Fighting. This has seen so many jokes I'm at a loss for original commentary about them all. Although generation five seemed to love fire fighting types so much it made Darmantian as well, but seemed to make a pokemon that visually fits Fire Dark the actual starter in order to avoid going from ape to ape.
Here's my suggestion for a starter system that people will like. Safari zone. You divide up a region into certain sections, with a little "zone" indicator for each. One will be a warm looking mountain, one will be a dense forest, one will be a lakeside and others will be decorative. A little opening spiel could be given about how the suppliers were being held back and the kid would have a more limited selection but would be allowed one free catch. It's obvious where to go to choose, and it makes it more interesting.
Then, later in the game, you can pay to use this place again. The pokemon types will have increased, but you'll be perfectly capable to catch the other ones again. No random choice, no lack of habitat, no stringent restrictions and plotholes in others having them. It's just you having a chance at more starters.
And then, you can have a second game. I'd complain about challenge mode's implementation, but this is easier. Your sponsor could visit you after you beat the elite four and suggest you try again, see if you can hold your title. Everyone will look at the champion and try harder to beat them, making the strength difficulty better. Suggesting to retry the challenge, he'll take your pokemon into a box you can't access until you beat the elite four. He gives out TMs after a set checkpoint, which will restrict your move set until it's reasonable.
Dialogue will change, and the villain plotline will have to be replaced in order to keep the story length, but you still get to keep your original story intact, and fans will feel even more badass for the reputation actually existing.
Oh, and remember the incoming pokemon? The second catching fest will also give you one free pokemon, but your options increase greatly. What's not to like?
First off, let's discuss their catchability. Three pokemon in a region are gathered by a pokemon professor and a trainer is given one. As far as the games go, this is the only way to possibly get any of them. So why can't you find this mythical Oshawott nature reserve and go to town on them safari zone style?
And if they don't show up in any location naturally that you can get to, why can so many other trainers own these guys? Gardenia owns a Turtwig, and it's clearly not her starter because it's not her strongest pokemon. Where did she catch it? Why won't she share this secret with me so I can save the cost of a second game in order to catch 'em all? Gardenia, why have you forsaken me?
Secondly, there's the choices. We have three: a grass, a water and a fire. Why these three? Why, of all the pokemon in the world, did you endeavour to catch three otherwise uncatchable pokemon just to give them to children? I would have had just as good an experience if I was given a Bellsprout instead of a Venusaur. They are functionally identical.
And why these exact types? Could a ghost type be so bad? I get the functionality of a water type means you'd be rather silly to not get one, but fire is mainly good due to it's power and grass has no functionality what so ever. It just serves to fill your team.
And don't tell me that choices vary between games, because Bianca gives the same choice to you that she got two years ago, and didn't mention a word about it being identical to her scenario.
And how come nobody else seems to have the restrictions I do? Okay, one person has a little more restriction, but he picked just to one up me. Or picked before something better than me with who knows what restriction. That Joey kid has a rattata, and I bet you he didn't have to bother with some silly "Rattata or Pidgey" scenario. Actually, I know he didn't. He would have picked the Pidgey.
Then there's the focus people seem to give these Pokemon. They get special moves and attention everywhere. There's fanart devoted to them for the specific reason that you weren't allowed to start with Magnemite. There is nothing special about them, but because you have to start with them, they are the best things in the world.
I reckon that, if Mudkip was just a normal pokemon and not a starter, the whole meme would be made about Diglett. Which would be the actual best thing ever, let me tell you.
And due to all the attention we give these guys because "HEY, STARTER!", they can very easily become the most overpowered member of the team. So many players have had a single level one hundred starter and maybe a legendary at about level fifty, but nothing else except HM slaves and space filler. I started having an even team around about Emerald after my Sapphire was nought more than "Ode to Blazekin ft. Kyogre".
Now to specific annoyances. Fire types. Let's ignore the fact that no responsible man of science would give a teenager a small demi-dragon with a lit flame on it and the power to produce more without secretly hating the child's mother (which is unlikely, given all the sex between them (I have said it, it must be canon!)). Let's instead talk about secondary typing.
Why do we have so many secondary types? We have had one Fire type without a secondary type, and he's one of my favourite pokemon ever. There has also been one Fire Flying, which is the worlds favourite pokemon ever. Sort of understandable, as I'd get one too during my play through if I didn't have much else.
The others are Fire Fighting. This has seen so many jokes I'm at a loss for original commentary about them all. Although generation five seemed to love fire fighting types so much it made Darmantian as well, but seemed to make a pokemon that visually fits Fire Dark the actual starter in order to avoid going from ape to ape.
Here's my suggestion for a starter system that people will like. Safari zone. You divide up a region into certain sections, with a little "zone" indicator for each. One will be a warm looking mountain, one will be a dense forest, one will be a lakeside and others will be decorative. A little opening spiel could be given about how the suppliers were being held back and the kid would have a more limited selection but would be allowed one free catch. It's obvious where to go to choose, and it makes it more interesting.
Then, later in the game, you can pay to use this place again. The pokemon types will have increased, but you'll be perfectly capable to catch the other ones again. No random choice, no lack of habitat, no stringent restrictions and plotholes in others having them. It's just you having a chance at more starters.
And then, you can have a second game. I'd complain about challenge mode's implementation, but this is easier. Your sponsor could visit you after you beat the elite four and suggest you try again, see if you can hold your title. Everyone will look at the champion and try harder to beat them, making the strength difficulty better. Suggesting to retry the challenge, he'll take your pokemon into a box you can't access until you beat the elite four. He gives out TMs after a set checkpoint, which will restrict your move set until it's reasonable.
Dialogue will change, and the villain plotline will have to be replaced in order to keep the story length, but you still get to keep your original story intact, and fans will feel even more badass for the reputation actually existing.
Oh, and remember the incoming pokemon? The second catching fest will also give you one free pokemon, but your options increase greatly. What's not to like?
Thursday, 27 December 2012
My favourite things (not a song)
I figured I'd make a list. I like lists. All... listy. They're so practical!
Now, if you don't know what this is about, then read the title. I question why you didn't. Mad person. Angel has not been included so I can have something in the top five that isn't her.
Hoverboards were the peak of science idealisation which was the least likely to result in heavy injury to both user and civilian (I'm looking at you, jetpack). They're lightweight (literally), fast and pretty cheep to run! They come in a whole host of models, such as the mini-scoot or the Maddog, and each one of them has their own neat little touch.
I seriously could not imagine life without... Huh... According to wikipedia, they haven't been invented yet. I shall thus work on suppressing my rage, no matter how hard it tries to escape me. Stone faced. Totally pensive...
...Ahem...
But don't get me wrong. I don't like pretentious stories. There is a line between a clever story that wraps up the viewers imagination or delivers a strong sense of emotion and a story written to be clever and above you which any fan will defend with the phrase "you don't get it, do you?". If someone doesn't get it, then the story's not that well written.
Although, not all stories I like have to be written. Sometimes, it's a clever concept for a story that can impress me. Patented to Eadyu on deviantArt, there is a character for her series who is a vampire with a pretty impressive difference. Instead of vegetarianism or sparkling or immunity to sunlight, he has an overbite. How cool is that?! Screw teenage sex symbolism, I want a vampire with an overbite!
Alright, some stories are laughable. However, there is a theory that a horrible story can be made good if the right author gets a hold of it. Imagine if twilight was written by an author who turned Bella from a mary sue to a simple, self obsessed girl who grows to feel guilt over how disastrous her desires turn out but how powerless she is to stop it. You could even add in a moral about making the best out of life, no matter how bad it goes. Maybe you'd have to heavily tweak the baby subplot, but there's a chance for something good somewhere in there.
...It's a massive stretch, but I stand by the good-fiction version of rule 34.
Apparently, she's so awesome that she hijacked the list. Pretend I said "the potential tablet pc hologram systems of the future" and let's move on.
I am adding this to my Pokemon outfit! In the occasion that I am in a pokemon adventure, I will pick this Gilet as one of my costume choices. There's a white t-shirt and blue open shirt combo that I'll wear about half the time and a black t-shirt and blue gilet combo for other occasions. The pockets make it really handy for storing items and pokeballs and such. Only pokedex and pokemon, of course.
I admit I got this in order to complete a cosplay outfit, but that just counts as another bonus to me.
---
So that's my list. Now you know. Use it as you will. :)
Now, if you don't know what this is about, then read the title. I question why you didn't. Mad person. Angel has not been included so I can have something in the top five that isn't her.
5: Hoverboards
I mean, come on. They are wicked cool! I got mine in pink, because it's a manly colour!Hoverboards were the peak of science idealisation which was the least likely to result in heavy injury to both user and civilian (I'm looking at you, jetpack). They're lightweight (literally), fast and pretty cheep to run! They come in a whole host of models, such as the mini-scoot or the Maddog, and each one of them has their own neat little touch.
I seriously could not imagine life without... Huh... According to wikipedia, they haven't been invented yet. I shall thus work on suppressing my rage, no matter how hard it tries to escape me. Stone faced. Totally pensive...
4: A goo- WHERE'S MY HOVERBOARD?!?!
I have waited and waited since I first saw Back to the Future 2. The hoverboard is the reason why it's my favourite film of all! I know I have to wait for 2015, but there should at least be legitimate video footage of the prototype! I WANT MY HOVERBOARD!!!...Ahem...
4: A good story
Yup! I love me a nice strong tale. Be it fairy tale or Die Hard, I simply love a clever story.But don't get me wrong. I don't like pretentious stories. There is a line between a clever story that wraps up the viewers imagination or delivers a strong sense of emotion and a story written to be clever and above you which any fan will defend with the phrase "you don't get it, do you?". If someone doesn't get it, then the story's not that well written.
Although, not all stories I like have to be written. Sometimes, it's a clever concept for a story that can impress me. Patented to Eadyu on deviantArt, there is a character for her series who is a vampire with a pretty impressive difference. Instead of vegetarianism or sparkling or immunity to sunlight, he has an overbite. How cool is that?! Screw teenage sex symbolism, I want a vampire with an overbite!
Alright, some stories are laughable. However, there is a theory that a horrible story can be made good if the right author gets a hold of it. Imagine if twilight was written by an author who turned Bella from a mary sue to a simple, self obsessed girl who grows to feel guilt over how disastrous her desires turn out but how powerless she is to stop it. You could even add in a moral about making the best out of life, no matter how bad it goes. Maybe you'd have to heavily tweak the baby subplot, but there's a chance for something good somewhere in there.
...It's a massive stretch, but I stand by the good-fiction version of rule 34.
3: Angel
How did this get in here? I said I wouldn't include her!Apparently, she's so awesome that she hijacked the list. Pretend I said "the potential tablet pc hologram systems of the future" and let's move on.
2: This Gilet I am Currently Wearing
It is so awesome! This beats hoodies! It's light, quick to put on, a lot of pockets and stylish as heck! I'll admit it's more of a summer clothing choice, but I wear it in winter whenever I get the chance!I am adding this to my Pokemon outfit! In the occasion that I am in a pokemon adventure, I will pick this Gilet as one of my costume choices. There's a white t-shirt and blue open shirt combo that I'll wear about half the time and a black t-shirt and blue gilet combo for other occasions. The pockets make it really handy for storing items and pokeballs and such. Only pokedex and pokemon, of course.
I admit I got this in order to complete a cosplay outfit, but that just counts as another bonus to me.
1: Happiness
Just in general. Best emotion. I think I've already discussed this, and if I haven't, then you can bet you won't be all that interested.---
So that's my list. Now you know. Use it as you will. :)
Monday, 24 December 2012
Livestreaming
Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house
I blogged about something completely different.
With the popularity of the Yogscast, Captain Sparklez and the like, livestreams are extremely popula. Having sites such as Twitch.TV around make it all the easier for amateur gamers to create a livestream and gain a small following.
These are not always good. I have seen some pretty bad livestreams in my time and some pretty enjoyable ones too. There is also a difference I have noticed between them.
It's quite honestly impossible to describe what is good about things and be funny. Mentioning them means that they will be done to the letter by the masses who want to be good but aren't. However, it's more than possible to give a list of reasons why a particular work is bad.
That's why so many people will make Minecraft streams playing out survival games. They don't want to add anything new to their streams because people will just look at them and think they'll be terrible for being different. And different is scary.
No, much more sensible would be to do exactly what that popular guy is doing.
Secondly, you need to be dull. People came to see a guy play a single player game, not to see an entertainment act. Remember how much fun you had when your friend invited you over to his house and then played final fantasy while you just sat there and watched? And not even conversation, because that gets in the way of the game.
No, just sit there, play the game, and occasionally go "ah, you bugger" when someone kills you. This is why the most popular person to live off of playing video games is a mute.
Third off, you need to win literally everything. Losers aren't any fun. Why would anyone who both plays video games and watches other people play video games online want to have anything to do with a loser?
It doesn't matter how you win. If you have to get cheep shots in with the ultimate noob tactics, go for it. If you ever lose, complain. Everyone watches amateur videos to watch a pro, that's just common knowledge.
Fourth, no pauses in the sound. You need constant audio in order to make sure everyone is aware there is a working microphone on the other end of the video. A good way of having this is to have music playing. It works best if it's spotify on your computer playing the music.
Now, there's a specific tendency in this music. Smooth jazz has been and gone, so playing this will get you rejected by the post 1940's crowd. Rock is a hit and miss genre, and only really works if it's loud, obnoxious and you can't tell what the lyrics are due to the screaming. One genre that never fails is rap music. Rap music with a constant beat and a smellable feeling of "I'm cool" will always fill the air and keep the dim viewers respect you.
You have to maintain constant view of what you see. It adds to the immersion. Breaking the view of the game so the crowd can see you interact with the recording equipment will remind the viewers of their experience interacting with the recording equipment. The more it happens, the better you are!
Also, have skype sounds on. Have people randomly come in when they talk to you. More voices make this seem fun. But still remember to barely interact with them at all, so you can remain untalking and dull, as mentioned earlier.
Remember all these steps and you'll do fine.
Oh! One more! Get my name wrong! If you say Susaga the proper way (Su-sar-ga) then you'll frighten folk. Say it Saugage-a or Suger-a. Much simpler.
Update: I forgot some!!!
You should also advertise everywhere! Literally. If you're streaming, you still have time to advertise. The people watching this will think highly of you and you won't seem at all like a glory-monger who goes around scrounging viewers from everywhere he can think of. I'm sure you could even ask the people you're playing alongside to watch, given how they're not busy or anything.
You need, more than anything, low video quality. If you can see more than 10 frames in a second, start running a couple tabs of youtube in the background. This can also help provide music, so you're technically saving time!
I blogged about something completely different.
With the popularity of the Yogscast, Captain Sparklez and the like, livestreams are extremely popula. Having sites such as Twitch.TV around make it all the easier for amateur gamers to create a livestream and gain a small following.
These are not always good. I have seen some pretty bad livestreams in my time and some pretty enjoyable ones too. There is also a difference I have noticed between them.
It's quite honestly impossible to describe what is good about things and be funny. Mentioning them means that they will be done to the letter by the masses who want to be good but aren't. However, it's more than possible to give a list of reasons why a particular work is bad.
How to create a terrible livestream
Firstly, you have to copy everyone! See that guy doing a popular game? Do people like him? I bet it's because he's doing that popular game. It's an absolute law of nature that when people try to be successful, they blatantly rip off already successful people as much as they can.That's why so many people will make Minecraft streams playing out survival games. They don't want to add anything new to their streams because people will just look at them and think they'll be terrible for being different. And different is scary.
No, much more sensible would be to do exactly what that popular guy is doing.
Secondly, you need to be dull. People came to see a guy play a single player game, not to see an entertainment act. Remember how much fun you had when your friend invited you over to his house and then played final fantasy while you just sat there and watched? And not even conversation, because that gets in the way of the game.
No, just sit there, play the game, and occasionally go "ah, you bugger" when someone kills you. This is why the most popular person to live off of playing video games is a mute.
Third off, you need to win literally everything. Losers aren't any fun. Why would anyone who both plays video games and watches other people play video games online want to have anything to do with a loser?
It doesn't matter how you win. If you have to get cheep shots in with the ultimate noob tactics, go for it. If you ever lose, complain. Everyone watches amateur videos to watch a pro, that's just common knowledge.
Fourth, no pauses in the sound. You need constant audio in order to make sure everyone is aware there is a working microphone on the other end of the video. A good way of having this is to have music playing. It works best if it's spotify on your computer playing the music.
Now, there's a specific tendency in this music. Smooth jazz has been and gone, so playing this will get you rejected by the post 1940's crowd. Rock is a hit and miss genre, and only really works if it's loud, obnoxious and you can't tell what the lyrics are due to the screaming. One genre that never fails is rap music. Rap music with a constant beat and a smellable feeling of "I'm cool" will always fill the air and keep the dim viewers respect you.
You have to maintain constant view of what you see. It adds to the immersion. Breaking the view of the game so the crowd can see you interact with the recording equipment will remind the viewers of their experience interacting with the recording equipment. The more it happens, the better you are!
Also, have skype sounds on. Have people randomly come in when they talk to you. More voices make this seem fun. But still remember to barely interact with them at all, so you can remain untalking and dull, as mentioned earlier.
Remember all these steps and you'll do fine.
Oh! One more! Get my name wrong! If you say Susaga the proper way (Su-sar-ga) then you'll frighten folk. Say it Saugage-a or Suger-a. Much simpler.
Update: I forgot some!!!
You should also advertise everywhere! Literally. If you're streaming, you still have time to advertise. The people watching this will think highly of you and you won't seem at all like a glory-monger who goes around scrounging viewers from everywhere he can think of. I'm sure you could even ask the people you're playing alongside to watch, given how they're not busy or anything.
You need, more than anything, low video quality. If you can see more than 10 frames in a second, start running a couple tabs of youtube in the background. This can also help provide music, so you're technically saving time!
Wednesday, 21 November 2012
The Zelda Awards, Part 4
This is, I hope to Steve, the final part. If there's anything more to say, I CBA to say it. I did this for the Zant thing, so feel lucky you have this.
Best Gameplay
Okay, I'm not very old. I have played OOT on Nintendo 64, but I was so gorram old I barely remember it. The controls for this will therefore be outsourced to the gamecube. But since these ARE games, then gameplay is an important feature.
Coming in at the bottom we have Phantom Hourglass and Spirit Tracks. The gameplay is nearly identical, save some little features. They did use the features of the DS spectacularly (one puzzle requires you to close the DS for a moment, and one guy mentions blowing into the mic is indistinguishable from shouting) but it seemed slightly restricted. When you're sailing, you have to draw your path and must stick to it. When you're riding the trains, you have to follow these paths despite the fact I can see exactly where I want to go. I can walk. I've done so before. And so often have I drawn the path for a spin attack only for him to slash a bit because it only noticed half the circle. Just not as immersive as other gameplay styles.
Next we have OOT. It was a brilliant entry gameplay style for 3D games, but there were a few kinks in the system, which is to be expected. I can vividly remember having to wait for the option for push to become climb, the arrow marker being a little unreliable, and long conversations that were almost designed for you to skip through them and get annoyed. Nothing too far wrong with it, but I think of the other gameplay styles as better.
Skyward Sword comes next for the specific reason of how they used the gameplay. The gameplay is definitely fun, but the fact that almost every aspect of it is based off of a new mechanic, it loses its appeal. WiiMotion plus was cool. Having opponents you had to target in specific ways was fun. Boss rush was hella fun. Timeshift stones made it really interesting when I gave my enemies technical deaths. But the fact that combat, flight, menu selection and certain puzzle solving areas all required one feature, it lost its appeal. Also, you had to be quite precise to do a lot of actions, so lazy gamers who hold their hand up half way get annoyed.
Next, we have Twilight Princess. Which makes sense. It's less precise than Skyward Sword, but menu selection was the good old targeting while combat was motion controls. Boar riding was always interesting, the western scene was so good I created its own separate save file to play it again, and while certain specific combat techniques were rarely, if ever, used, when you do use them, you feel badass. Basically, most of the good things about SS without forcing it.
Finally, at the top of the pile, Wind Waker. Right from the outset (island), I considered the controls to be, and this is my honest opinion, "like Ocarina of Time, but better". I found the c buttons, designed for use of camera work and then named "C" because of the "C" in "Camera", much more sensible than each button being an item or Navi. Having A act as the reaction button made more sense, and the R button being crouching/crawling/grabbing saved approximately 5 hours of climbing/pushing gameplay. Plus, you lose your sword and enter a stealth mission. Rarely could that work in an action adventure! The reaction attacks worked delightfully, making you feel badass for either doing epic feats or correctly guiding those epic feats to disarmour a Dark Nut.
And one final thing to note is that you're fighting a tower built to test you. You have to use a bow to kill the end boss. If you run out of arrows in fighting him, he gives you more so you're accurately tested.
Best Story
Every epic quest needs a story, does it not? So, the better story reflects well on the game, right? Yes.
Spirit Tracks and Phantom Hourglass come here again. Spirit Tracks comes slightly ahead for the whole Byrne storyline (why was his name changed over here?) but they're both a lot less substantial than any of the others. Less dungeons, a smaller sense of things going on behind you, and while certain characters shine through, they're not enough to carry the entire world.
Then comes Ocarina. It was a pretty original game in its time, so you can remember it as being good in its day. And it was. Shiek is Zelda hiding from Ganondorf, Ganondorf tracks your every action and waits for you to accidentally help him, and Link has a booty call over in that there desert. It also split the timeline while being meant as a prequel to the original games (Wind Waker forced them into a third). But overall, the plot is quite subdued. It's just a fact.
Then comes Twilight Princess. Midna is a highly developed character, who has suffered heavy loss, distrust to everything and slowly begins to respect and care for you as the game progresses and you get slapped by a Goron. Colin is a small child who cowers at everything who has a turning point of courage, sacrificing himself as a victim to protect a friend with courage learned from idolising Link. But aside from these people, the storylines are small and forgettable. And even these themselves could have gotten more limelight.
Following is Skyward Sword. Ghirahim was a good driving villain, Zelda's master plan was quite interesting to discover, Grooses development, Ghirahim's back-up plan, Pipit's knight training and romance with Karane... There was so much going on that every character you meet is developed and the world seems a lot more full for that. The triforce defeating Demise seemed a little bit like a cop-out, and the third time you have trials means you just have to question things.
Then comes Majora's Mask. The whole thing is a metaphor built with graphics from Ocarina. The different regions represent the stages of grief, the quest happens because Link goes searching for his childhood fairy, and every side story has some aspect of growing up and reaching maturity. Heck, you can trade every mask you get from the side stories for a mask that makes you, for all intents and purposes, an adult. This is the coming of age story for a boy who was forced into the body of a man without ever growing up.
Finally? Well, what's the only other game I've been mentioning here? Wind Waker. The core story follows just four main characters as they learn to move on from the ways of the old and create a new world or drown in the old one. Link isn't a hero of legend that comes to the rescue from out of the blue (the intro even says how bad that actually was), but a child who pursues the creature kidnapping his sister. He's not proving he is a hero, he's earning the right to be called a hero. Every character has some hidden depth to them, so they're more than just background with an action and some dialogue.
Best Game
This is subjective, and I won't be rating them all for laziness sake.
My favourite of all the Zelda games? Wind Waker. It just works. You can sail in a huge environment, fight some pretty darn fun enemies in some darn fun situations, engage with all the right people, develop otherwise undeveloped stories, force Link into wearing pyjamas and really feel for this world, with some nice and comic moments along the way. And there's an actual person with a position of power shown.
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That's it. Go away now.
The Zelda Awards, part 3
Bla bla opening spiel. Let's get on with part three!
Skyward Sword, despite being highly varied in the world map, was a little lacking. It was highly dense, allowing you to traverse the dense woods and honestly believe them to be as dense as depicted. The mountain was tall and fun to climb. The desert was an interesting puzzle to not drown in. The sky was remarkably large. However, it is the freaking sky, so it could have been larger and had more stuff in it. Aside from Skyloft and the thundercloud, I only used the sky to get to other non-sky places. And on the ground, I was really hoping I could find a way between the various regions. The game was plenty epic, but it could have been bigger.
Ocarina of Time has a very good map. The castle, the lake, the zora's domain, the massive mountain... Every place was distinct and suited to the atmosphere it needed. It was much easier to get lost in the lost woods than in other games. However, a number of issues can be raised. The desert didn't seem as big given you can barely see ten feet, the woods was more separated by rock than tree, death mountain seemed a lot more horizontal than vertical, some shortcuts seemed a little too quick for the distance travelled and the civilised world seemed a little divided.
Twilight princess comes next. It reflected the OOT map closely with a few changes for practicality, the desert seemed freaking enormous, the woods were very woodsy, the fields were large and sprawling and the castle stood in the middle of the kingdom. Again, my issue with death mountain is the horizontal feeling it gives and the desert was something that irked me in its connection, as there is no non-magical method to return from that landscape. And if you hadn't scoured every section of the desert, like me, and found the twilight portal, there's only one way to get there.
And the winner is Wind Waker. It's one of the only other contenders with Hyrule in it, albeit a heavily flooded version. Literally every square has something interesting in it. You can be sailing far and not see anything in any direction, which really adds to size. Along the way, you can accidentally find another island and hunt down the painter fish, find a beacon of light and search for treasure, or notice an outpost and kill some bokoblins. My only issue is that it supposedly correlates to Hyrule below it, but looking at old hyrule, there aren't many mountains, and they're definitely not close enough for them all to walk that distance. And how did the Kokiri get that tree inside a mountain?
Ocarina of Time was limited by the console capabilities, but it still has to be judged. Not even the ground was that smooth, and the style suffers for it.
Wind Waker went for cell shaded cartoonish art which I find quite appealing. It allowed for good expression, and not one creature in the game looked particularly silly. Except the Chus, but they're always silly.
Twilight Princess went for realism, and it works. The blond became a softer shade of brown, and all creatures had to become what they would realistically be, which was quite a think. The darknuts looked as strong as they ever did in this.
Skyward Sword took the best of both worlds, going with the soft cell shading of Wind Waker and the realism of Twilight Princess. The result was perfect for the world and the creatures they wanted to show, and the first time I saw it, I approved.
Best World Map
Hyrule has taken many many forms in its years. At one point, it was a lush field highly divided. At another, it was just wet. Every fantasy needs its kingdom, and here's the best renditions of it.Skyward Sword, despite being highly varied in the world map, was a little lacking. It was highly dense, allowing you to traverse the dense woods and honestly believe them to be as dense as depicted. The mountain was tall and fun to climb. The desert was an interesting puzzle to not drown in. The sky was remarkably large. However, it is the freaking sky, so it could have been larger and had more stuff in it. Aside from Skyloft and the thundercloud, I only used the sky to get to other non-sky places. And on the ground, I was really hoping I could find a way between the various regions. The game was plenty epic, but it could have been bigger.
Ocarina of Time has a very good map. The castle, the lake, the zora's domain, the massive mountain... Every place was distinct and suited to the atmosphere it needed. It was much easier to get lost in the lost woods than in other games. However, a number of issues can be raised. The desert didn't seem as big given you can barely see ten feet, the woods was more separated by rock than tree, death mountain seemed a lot more horizontal than vertical, some shortcuts seemed a little too quick for the distance travelled and the civilised world seemed a little divided.
Twilight princess comes next. It reflected the OOT map closely with a few changes for practicality, the desert seemed freaking enormous, the woods were very woodsy, the fields were large and sprawling and the castle stood in the middle of the kingdom. Again, my issue with death mountain is the horizontal feeling it gives and the desert was something that irked me in its connection, as there is no non-magical method to return from that landscape. And if you hadn't scoured every section of the desert, like me, and found the twilight portal, there's only one way to get there.
And the winner is Wind Waker. It's one of the only other contenders with Hyrule in it, albeit a heavily flooded version. Literally every square has something interesting in it. You can be sailing far and not see anything in any direction, which really adds to size. Along the way, you can accidentally find another island and hunt down the painter fish, find a beacon of light and search for treasure, or notice an outpost and kill some bokoblins. My only issue is that it supposedly correlates to Hyrule below it, but looking at old hyrule, there aren't many mountains, and they're definitely not close enough for them all to walk that distance. And how did the Kokiri get that tree inside a mountain?
Best Artstyle
This is subjective, but I have to be honest. And there's not a lot to say, so this will be a short section.Ocarina of Time was limited by the console capabilities, but it still has to be judged. Not even the ground was that smooth, and the style suffers for it.
Wind Waker went for cell shaded cartoonish art which I find quite appealing. It allowed for good expression, and not one creature in the game looked particularly silly. Except the Chus, but they're always silly.
Twilight Princess went for realism, and it works. The blond became a softer shade of brown, and all creatures had to become what they would realistically be, which was quite a think. The darknuts looked as strong as they ever did in this.
Skyward Sword took the best of both worlds, going with the soft cell shading of Wind Waker and the realism of Twilight Princess. The result was perfect for the world and the creatures they wanted to show, and the first time I saw it, I approved.
Best Sidequests
A world only has depth when everything in it is not a flat cardboard cutout of a person made to fill the space. To develop the minorest of minor characters, you give them sidequests. This also helps to fill the game time, handily enough. This excludes minigames.
Twilight Princess had several sidequests: Agitha's bug ball, Jovani's curse, Goron Spring Water and Magic Armour. None of these are as valuable as the benefits would claim, considering your 1000 rupee limit and the difficulty in finding all those grottos.
Ocarina of Time did not have many sidequests in its world. Everything seemed to progress the main story, or wasn't worth creating. To my memory, there are four sidequests: the house of skulltula, the happy mask salesman, Epona and the biggoron sword. Epona was also a feature that substantially makes the game easier and faster, Biggoron was a guide-dang-it of the century, I'm not sure if anyone actually found it worth while to beat the skulltula curse and the mask quest was over before it started, if you knew where to go.
Wind Waker had a good number of side quests, given the simplicity to wind up doing something you weren't meant to. The Goron Merchants, the pair of shy lovers, the moon lover, the poor to rich girl, the rich to poor thief girl, the Koron tree planting and so many others. And none of them feel tiring! Well, the tree planting...
Skyward Sword comes next, with its bunch of gratitude crystals. The sidequest as a whole is a surprise, given how you're prepared for a fight to protect Skyloft, and suddenly you have to make every member happy. You learn more about them, find stuff that fell or never was in the sky to begin with, use your skills or even just use a love letter for crap-wipe. And it keeps you interested. Plus the boss-rush...
And finally, Majora's Mask. There are twenty masks. Very few are for the storyline. You work out why MM is on top here.
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And that's part three. I'm nearing the end, here.
Thursday, 15 November 2012
The Zelda Awards, Part 2
There is a LOT of stuff in Zelda. A LOT. This will not be the last entry.
I put Beldam last. You remember Beldum? No? There's a reason. He was the main villain in Phantom Hourglass, but was nothing compared to Ganondorf and so undeveloped it's a little sad. He provides a dang interesting final battle, but he still comes at the bottom of the list.
From Twilight Princess, we have the Twilight Usurper Zant. He was a self-entitled whiner who got uppity about not controlling the twilight and borrowed Ganondorf's power to take it by force. Why is he second from the bottom? Because he really goes downhill the more you learn about him. Halfway through, the scene at the lake has him effortlessly undo everything you have just done whilst taunting Midna with smooth badassery. Near the end, he's twirling around the room and moaning about you reclaiming the throne he stole, thinking Ganon controlling him is a partnership. If a villain goes insane, he has to stay cool.
And then comes Ghirahim. This whole thing was made because of a debate I got in about Zant vs Ghirahim. From Skyward Sword, we have a living tool who was jeering and calm when it suits him, able to steal a sword from you and use it as his weapon. Then he starts stripping and busting moves and being much less calm, but he's always so smooth he remains badass. He sends waves of enemies at you just to buy time, creates a game of stabbing sword sumo. He knows he's a tool, and he lives to work towards this. And every time I fight him or see him in a cutscene, I enjoy it. It was two against one supporting Zant in the debate, and heavily justified.
But one guy trumped the debate. He was mentioned, discussed, and agreed to be awesome. King Bulbin, also from Twilight Princess, is the guy who kidnaps your friends, jousts you twice, duels you twice and only says the following: "Enough! I fight for the strongest side. That is all I've ever known". He's fun to fight before he's developed, one dialogue box is used to develop him and he's a perfectly believable character. Bulbin was far better than the supposed penultimate boss.
The closest OOT had was Rauru, who showed up once. There's a lot of characters who take on small sections of advice for you, but no single Old Maid character. And thinking of it, the closest you have in TP is Impaz/Renado, and they're not quite there. So we bring you the others.
Spirit Tracks brings Anjeen, the Lokomo maid who can maintain a prison and try and fight a poopface at the same time. She acts cheekily when giving the advice she has, not so subtly makes Zelda follow you, and is a pretty cool character. Not much happens, though, so she comes here.
Then there's Oshus from Phantom Hourglass. He understands the urgency going on and makes Link get going on his adventure. He's grumpy, but with reason to be. And he knows he has to get everyone to do things and exactly how. Plus, he snatches the hourglass when you hover-hold it above you. He don't take no nonsense, whipersnapper!
But the best one to me is Impa. Specifically, the Impa from Skyward Sword in her old maid form. She comforts drama queens feeling useless, shows you how to save the world and understands exactly how great the risk is. And you see her development to the person she is over the course of the game.
Twilight Princess. Sure, Ilia is sweet, Colin is a badass and the postman was just epic, but a good amount of the characters are just sort of bland. We have a ragtag team of fighters, a flirty barlady, a shaman, a bomb expert and other small characters who all fit tropes so closely it's almost predictable. Thay don't annoy anyone, but there's no lasting impact from a lot of these people, and that's probably worse.
Then there's Ocarina of Time. Everyone enjoys Saria, who fills Link's childhood with kind smiles and songs and such a strong love interest. Malon is a sweet friend to all animals when you meet her as a child, and even as an adult she's cute and caring to her horse friends. Nabooru was motivated, complex and even flirted with Link like the worlds biggest MILF. Kaepora Gaebora was... And thus OOT comes here.
Phantom Hourglass comes next for the guy that would have been called a companion if he was a bit more over the shoulder talking at you and less hide in a barrel. Linebeck has awesome development as his backstory comes out and he holds the sword up to Beldum. The other guys are a bit lack-luster, but LINEBECK!!! A guy so cool he got a legacy character in Spirit Tracks.
In their darkest tale with the most sub-plots, we find ourself Majoras Mask. From the Happy mask salesman to Romani, the innocent girl who could get lobotomised if you don't save her. Every character has interesting tales of guilt or loss, and you feel the need to help every single one of them.
Then Wind Waker. You have your kind old grandmother, the thief girl, the smarmy shopkeeper, the lovers who are SO meant to be, the teacher, the pirates... Every character is fun and interesting, not just in how they act but in how they grow. While this game has Tingle, it's not the game that INVENTED him, so this wins.
And then we have Skyward Sword. Pipit wants to be a knight but can barely afford it, yet has a romantic interest so obviously returned (SO obviously) with Karane. Crawlin also likes Karane, and even wrote a love letter, but he has better chances with the ghost that lives in the toilet. You can date or break the heart of the item shopkeeper, all the while being careful of her daddy. And Groose? Google him and love the character. Every single minor character has plenty of development to keep you interested.
Twilight Princess I don't think actually introduces anything beyond the Yeti. If any creature is said to newly control a large portion of the kingdom, it's the cats. Goblins are cleared from a village, so the cats swoop in and take it for their own. Louise rules the roost in castle town FAR beyond all the puppies in the back streets.
Skyward Sword contains three forms of surface dwelling species. Mogma, who I think of as Brooklyn gang moles; Kikwi, who mix hedgehogs and shrubs, and remove the courage; Ancient robots, which is just a bizarre enough idea that I can accept it as cool.
So then we have Phantom Hourglass. I love the Anouki, even though I don't know what they were smoking when they were born. Are they penquin eskimos? They're simple minded and easily panicking, and seem incapable of lies. They are so fun that they come here despite being the only new race worth noting.
Wink Waker turns old species into new ones, by evolving fish people into bird people (skipping lizard people sadly) and making kids into tree sprouts. The Ruto use their wings cleverly and start to deliver letters while forming the old home of the Gorons into a nice tribe area. The Korok have a festival and plant trees all around, trying to spread the deku plants. I vastly prefer the Ruto, actually.
In Ocarina of Time, they introduced three main species to rule certain places. The Gorons, a rock species that have a brotherhood and macho manliness; the Zoras, a noble fish species that live in the springs; the Kokiri, a peter pan village of what amounts to wood elves. Considering how creepy even the cheeriest Kokiri is when a man turns into a monster, you can see why they're here. The species improved in many ways over the many games, but they started strong right from here.
That's part two. I wonder what I'll stuff into part three.
Best Non-Ganon Villain
There's more than one son of a bitch in Hyrule who tries to conquer everything and bring chaos. These may be secondary, but they might equally be the only guy you actually pay attention to. Majora's Mask isn't included since I haven't played that game.I put Beldam last. You remember Beldum? No? There's a reason. He was the main villain in Phantom Hourglass, but was nothing compared to Ganondorf and so undeveloped it's a little sad. He provides a dang interesting final battle, but he still comes at the bottom of the list.
From Twilight Princess, we have the Twilight Usurper Zant. He was a self-entitled whiner who got uppity about not controlling the twilight and borrowed Ganondorf's power to take it by force. Why is he second from the bottom? Because he really goes downhill the more you learn about him. Halfway through, the scene at the lake has him effortlessly undo everything you have just done whilst taunting Midna with smooth badassery. Near the end, he's twirling around the room and moaning about you reclaiming the throne he stole, thinking Ganon controlling him is a partnership. If a villain goes insane, he has to stay cool.
And then comes Ghirahim. This whole thing was made because of a debate I got in about Zant vs Ghirahim. From Skyward Sword, we have a living tool who was jeering and calm when it suits him, able to steal a sword from you and use it as his weapon. Then he starts stripping and busting moves and being much less calm, but he's always so smooth he remains badass. He sends waves of enemies at you just to buy time, creates a game of stabbing sword sumo. He knows he's a tool, and he lives to work towards this. And every time I fight him or see him in a cutscene, I enjoy it. It was two against one supporting Zant in the debate, and heavily justified.
But one guy trumped the debate. He was mentioned, discussed, and agreed to be awesome. King Bulbin, also from Twilight Princess, is the guy who kidnaps your friends, jousts you twice, duels you twice and only says the following: "Enough! I fight for the strongest side. That is all I've ever known". He's fun to fight before he's developed, one dialogue box is used to develop him and he's a perfectly believable character. Bulbin was far better than the supposed penultimate boss.
Best Old Maid Character
This happens so often. An old character provides wisdom to you, guiding you on your quest and giving a sense of age to the world you're in. And we love them for that. Okay, not THAT many, but there's still a good number.The closest OOT had was Rauru, who showed up once. There's a lot of characters who take on small sections of advice for you, but no single Old Maid character. And thinking of it, the closest you have in TP is Impaz/Renado, and they're not quite there. So we bring you the others.
Spirit Tracks brings Anjeen, the Lokomo maid who can maintain a prison and try and fight a poopface at the same time. She acts cheekily when giving the advice she has, not so subtly makes Zelda follow you, and is a pretty cool character. Not much happens, though, so she comes here.
Then there's Oshus from Phantom Hourglass. He understands the urgency going on and makes Link get going on his adventure. He's grumpy, but with reason to be. And he knows he has to get everyone to do things and exactly how. Plus, he snatches the hourglass when you hover-hold it above you. He don't take no nonsense, whipersnapper!
But the best one to me is Impa. Specifically, the Impa from Skyward Sword in her old maid form. She comforts drama queens feeling useless, shows you how to save the world and understands exactly how great the risk is. And you see her development to the person she is over the course of the game.
Best Secondary Characters
The little tidbits behind the scenes will always make you look on and feel more for the characters. Each game will be merited on their secondary characters in my opinion (the best ones) and ranked. Few full stories can have 4 characters.Twilight Princess. Sure, Ilia is sweet, Colin is a badass and the postman was just epic, but a good amount of the characters are just sort of bland. We have a ragtag team of fighters, a flirty barlady, a shaman, a bomb expert and other small characters who all fit tropes so closely it's almost predictable. Thay don't annoy anyone, but there's no lasting impact from a lot of these people, and that's probably worse.
Then there's Ocarina of Time. Everyone enjoys Saria, who fills Link's childhood with kind smiles and songs and such a strong love interest. Malon is a sweet friend to all animals when you meet her as a child, and even as an adult she's cute and caring to her horse friends. Nabooru was motivated, complex and even flirted with Link like the worlds biggest MILF. Kaepora Gaebora was... And thus OOT comes here.
Phantom Hourglass comes next for the guy that would have been called a companion if he was a bit more over the shoulder talking at you and less hide in a barrel. Linebeck has awesome development as his backstory comes out and he holds the sword up to Beldum. The other guys are a bit lack-luster, but LINEBECK!!! A guy so cool he got a legacy character in Spirit Tracks.
In their darkest tale with the most sub-plots, we find ourself Majoras Mask. From the Happy mask salesman to Romani, the innocent girl who could get lobotomised if you don't save her. Every character has interesting tales of guilt or loss, and you feel the need to help every single one of them.
Then Wind Waker. You have your kind old grandmother, the thief girl, the smarmy shopkeeper, the lovers who are SO meant to be, the teacher, the pirates... Every character is fun and interesting, not just in how they act but in how they grow. While this game has Tingle, it's not the game that INVENTED him, so this wins.
And then we have Skyward Sword. Pipit wants to be a knight but can barely afford it, yet has a romantic interest so obviously returned (SO obviously) with Karane. Crawlin also likes Karane, and even wrote a love letter, but he has better chances with the ghost that lives in the toilet. You can date or break the heart of the item shopkeeper, all the while being careful of her daddy. And Groose? Google him and love the character. Every single minor character has plenty of development to keep you interested.
Best New Species
This is a fantasy adventure, so we will have plenty of creatures to interact with. Here are the best species introduced in a game as I see it.Twilight Princess I don't think actually introduces anything beyond the Yeti. If any creature is said to newly control a large portion of the kingdom, it's the cats. Goblins are cleared from a village, so the cats swoop in and take it for their own. Louise rules the roost in castle town FAR beyond all the puppies in the back streets.
Skyward Sword contains three forms of surface dwelling species. Mogma, who I think of as Brooklyn gang moles; Kikwi, who mix hedgehogs and shrubs, and remove the courage; Ancient robots, which is just a bizarre enough idea that I can accept it as cool.
So then we have Phantom Hourglass. I love the Anouki, even though I don't know what they were smoking when they were born. Are they penquin eskimos? They're simple minded and easily panicking, and seem incapable of lies. They are so fun that they come here despite being the only new race worth noting.
Wink Waker turns old species into new ones, by evolving fish people into bird people (skipping lizard people sadly) and making kids into tree sprouts. The Ruto use their wings cleverly and start to deliver letters while forming the old home of the Gorons into a nice tribe area. The Korok have a festival and plant trees all around, trying to spread the deku plants. I vastly prefer the Ruto, actually.
In Ocarina of Time, they introduced three main species to rule certain places. The Gorons, a rock species that have a brotherhood and macho manliness; the Zoras, a noble fish species that live in the springs; the Kokiri, a peter pan village of what amounts to wood elves. Considering how creepy even the cheeriest Kokiri is when a man turns into a monster, you can see why they're here. The species improved in many ways over the many games, but they started strong right from here.
That's part two. I wonder what I'll stuff into part three.
Wednesday, 14 November 2012
The Zelda Awards, Part 1
I have just gotten into a debate about Zelda, so I thought I'd share my thoughts.
Please note, I have not played every Zelda game. This knowledge comes from the 3D games, which I have played quite a bit or have learned enough about I can comment on them. There may be some spoilers.
OOT/MM Link were scarcely animated, if at all. They showed some emotion, but it was mainly just him looking startled or angry. (I remember those eyes so vividly as he approaches battle, treasure or even a puppy)
With Twilight Princess, you have more animation. You can see he has a love interest and a good care for many characters, following this quest through a mixture of a birthmark and a despair for his friends. Still, he's not elaborated on beyond the love interest, since he's the guy fighting for the real main character's cause.
Skyward Sword has probably the most detail in facial animation, giving Zelda soft and tender looks, Groose a few optional insults and having a look of enormous panic as shit hair goes down.
And finally, my favourite Link is Wind Waker's. The art style allows for over the top expressions and therefore more expression as, say, he screams for his life or he celebrates another character's continued life. His motivation is probably the best, since he technically was never chosen. He couldn't see the heroes clothes his grandmother gave him and only actually went with the pirates to rescue his sister. Once he saved his sister, he was in so deep that only a massive jerk would ditch the mission. At the end, he's a hero for real and has his heart set on adventure. That is why he wins.
Twilight Princess comes in last. She barely acts. Honestly, I like the design, but she is so stoic it's unbelievable. The most her expression changes is a widening of the eyes before she says (in I assume monotone) she knows about Midna and then sacrifices herself to heal her. She was more interesting as the Tennis Boss.
Then comes OOT. She's got child-like innocence and awesome mystery in the different time periods, and she is a lot more expressive than Link. She knows something bad is happening, so tells Link to help stop it, and then tries to atone in ninja costume when things go belly-up. She does lose points for revealing herself to Link for no real reason, and then being helplessly kidnapped when she was a ninja moments ago.
Then comes a tough closeness. I put Spirit Tracks Zelda here because she is hella-developed. She's your bleeding companion. She worries for her close ones, has the best freak out scene and "damsel in distress" line of all time, and shows herself to be both helpful and enjoyable to see. Even if she doesn't have a stomach.
Then comes Skyward Sword. The Zelda that, if I could, I would hit on. Playfully pushing Link off of a floating sky-rock, actively helping Link whenever she can (harp, loftwing, magical powers), and having an explanation for why the legend is about her. She was even a designated hero reward as designed by a now mortal goddess just so Link would get off his sorry arse and save the world.
And the winner? Wind Waker. Again. Not because of Zelda, but because of Tetra, the pirate girl who travels around and founds new Hyrule. She's snarky and brash, yet understanding enough to manipulate her crew and live in a basement. She joins Link in the final battle, apologises for oversleeping, then proceeds to try and shoot Ganondorf with a magic arrow. She's a fun, yet empathetic Zelda.
At the bottom is OOT. Sure, he was interesting. From the top of his horse at the start of the game, you know he's one to fear and a man you will enjoy fighting. He's manipulative and forceful, trying to starve creatures for a gem and using a snot-nosed kid to enter the sacred realm when he can't get there first. He was probably the most cautious planner in the game, and a very worthy Ganondorf. And he was fun to fight, too!
Then we have SS. This is technical, since it's more the source of everything that became Ganon. Demise was strong and fearsome, being a looming force that grew exponentially stronger as time passed, and badass enough he was willing to duel a kid that had just beaten his servant time and time again to see who is the strongest. He's fun to fight in his sealed (yet larger) form and tonnes of fun and challenge to fight as the hulk with a lightning sword. He does lose a lot of points for technically not being Ganon.
Then we have Twilight Princess. He is so menacing! I walked into the throne room and saw him leaning on his palm, smiling. He was executed (got better), sent into a different realm of existence, made a lunatic invade the place that executed him, then forced you to attack the princess, turned into a giant boar, killed your companion off-screen, summoned ghost knights to fight you in a horseback duel and finally fought you one on one in which you had to STAB HIM THROUGH THE CHEST to finally kill him. And he still had time to swear his vengeance before every form of life support hesitantly stopped supporting him. Not developed, but definitely fearsome.
And then there's Wind Waker. Again. They really nailed their main characters. He's threatening the whole way, being the guy quietly fighting people above land to get control of the world below the land. He drains power from the thing that killed him last time, slowly regains his powers, waits for the princess to reveal herself again (she needs to stop doing that!), then kidnaps her for her triforce piece. Then takes yours, which you got just to fight him. And then he explains exactly why he tried to take over Hyrule and why he's still after it. He only actively tries to kill you when his dream is stolen, where he laughs like a madman and pulls out swords. Even then, he sheaths his sword to simply backhand Zelda and smiles in the wind of Hyrule after being STABBED IN THE HEAD! The most sympathetic villain yet.
Skyward Sword comes last, since Fi is pretty bland. She was made to be a little appealing with numbers and "what you would call sadness" in her speech, but then there's her telling you there's a 90% chance that the thing we want is exactly where someone said the thing is or that an obvious symbol is related to the wall someone said is linked to a symbol. And her ringing of "your health is/batteries are low". It flashes for a reason. Fi. She does gain points for having to deduce that the talking shrub is not Zelda.
Navi. I don't have to say anything about why she annoys- HEY! I am not pressing that button just so you can tell he the mountain I am climbing looks odd. But as a metaphor for childhood innocence, she's dramatic and despite the anger, you felt a little something when she flew off. And it wasn't forced. Fi, I don't care.
Then there's King of Red Lions from WW. You're a King with loads of regrets, but you don't really do much. You help me travel, but in terms of hints or reminders, you just sit there. You're integral to the plot, but you're only barely a companion. It's the character that makes you here, not the actual gameplay.
Winning this round? Twilight Princess with the Twilight born imp lady Midna. She instantly gains your attention from her presence and taunting, seeming so mean and uncaring to everything you do and being enjoyed for that. When Zelda goes, she starts to really bond with you and her uncaring nature dissolves, but her sass stays right where it is. She even gets resurrected and jokes about Link not saying anything. And then there's her final goodbye which needed no help in moving the audience.
---
These were the first four categories, and I look forward to working on the next lot.
Please note, I have not played every Zelda game. This knowledge comes from the 3D games, which I have played quite a bit or have learned enough about I can comment on them. There may be some spoilers.
Best Link
Link is a silent protagonist. He has very little, if any, personality. He barely has a name, considering he can be named whatever you like (I go for Ralin). If he does, it's mainly what you're feeling as you play him, but occasionally his personality will show in the animation or character relations. The best Link is the one who shows the most of his own personality.OOT/MM Link were scarcely animated, if at all. They showed some emotion, but it was mainly just him looking startled or angry. (I remember those eyes so vividly as he approaches battle, treasure or even a puppy)
With Twilight Princess, you have more animation. You can see he has a love interest and a good care for many characters, following this quest through a mixture of a birthmark and a despair for his friends. Still, he's not elaborated on beyond the love interest, since he's the guy fighting for the real main character's cause.
Skyward Sword has probably the most detail in facial animation, giving Zelda soft and tender looks, Groose a few optional insults and having a look of enormous panic as shit hair goes down.
And finally, my favourite Link is Wind Waker's. The art style allows for over the top expressions and therefore more expression as, say, he screams for his life or he celebrates another character's continued life. His motivation is probably the best, since he technically was never chosen. He couldn't see the heroes clothes his grandmother gave him and only actually went with the pirates to rescue his sister. Once he saved his sister, he was in so deep that only a massive jerk would ditch the mission. At the end, he's a hero for real and has his heart set on adventure. That is why he wins.
Best Zelda
It's her legend (somehow). She's important to quite a few stories. Not MM, cause she's only in one scene to teach a song. Let's not focus on that.Twilight Princess comes in last. She barely acts. Honestly, I like the design, but she is so stoic it's unbelievable. The most her expression changes is a widening of the eyes before she says (in I assume monotone) she knows about Midna and then sacrifices herself to heal her. She was more interesting as the Tennis Boss.
Then comes OOT. She's got child-like innocence and awesome mystery in the different time periods, and she is a lot more expressive than Link. She knows something bad is happening, so tells Link to help stop it, and then tries to atone in ninja costume when things go belly-up. She does lose points for revealing herself to Link for no real reason, and then being helplessly kidnapped when she was a ninja moments ago.
Then comes a tough closeness. I put Spirit Tracks Zelda here because she is hella-developed. She's your bleeding companion. She worries for her close ones, has the best freak out scene and "damsel in distress" line of all time, and shows herself to be both helpful and enjoyable to see. Even if she doesn't have a stomach.
Then comes Skyward Sword. The Zelda that, if I could, I would hit on. Playfully pushing Link off of a floating sky-rock, actively helping Link whenever she can (harp, loftwing, magical powers), and having an explanation for why the legend is about her. She was even a designated hero reward as designed by a now mortal goddess just so Link would get off his sorry arse and save the world.
And the winner? Wind Waker. Again. Not because of Zelda, but because of Tetra, the pirate girl who travels around and founds new Hyrule. She's snarky and brash, yet understanding enough to manipulate her crew and live in a basement. She joins Link in the final battle, apologises for oversleeping, then proceeds to try and shoot Ganondorf with a magic arrow. She's a fun, yet empathetic Zelda.
Best Ganon(dorf)
Ganondorf was around from the first game, even if he was in his superpowered form. He is the ultimate evil in Hyrule, and will always be there to try and smack Link in the face. He needs development. Big time.At the bottom is OOT. Sure, he was interesting. From the top of his horse at the start of the game, you know he's one to fear and a man you will enjoy fighting. He's manipulative and forceful, trying to starve creatures for a gem and using a snot-nosed kid to enter the sacred realm when he can't get there first. He was probably the most cautious planner in the game, and a very worthy Ganondorf. And he was fun to fight, too!
Then we have SS. This is technical, since it's more the source of everything that became Ganon. Demise was strong and fearsome, being a looming force that grew exponentially stronger as time passed, and badass enough he was willing to duel a kid that had just beaten his servant time and time again to see who is the strongest. He's fun to fight in his sealed (yet larger) form and tonnes of fun and challenge to fight as the hulk with a lightning sword. He does lose a lot of points for technically not being Ganon.
Then we have Twilight Princess. He is so menacing! I walked into the throne room and saw him leaning on his palm, smiling. He was executed (got better), sent into a different realm of existence, made a lunatic invade the place that executed him, then forced you to attack the princess, turned into a giant boar, killed your companion off-screen, summoned ghost knights to fight you in a horseback duel and finally fought you one on one in which you had to STAB HIM THROUGH THE CHEST to finally kill him. And he still had time to swear his vengeance before every form of life support hesitantly stopped supporting him. Not developed, but definitely fearsome.
And then there's Wind Waker. Again. They really nailed their main characters. He's threatening the whole way, being the guy quietly fighting people above land to get control of the world below the land. He drains power from the thing that killed him last time, slowly regains his powers, waits for the princess to reveal herself again (she needs to stop doing that!), then kidnaps her for her triforce piece. Then takes yours, which you got just to fight him. And then he explains exactly why he tried to take over Hyrule and why he's still after it. He only actively tries to kill you when his dream is stolen, where he laughs like a madman and pulls out swords. Even then, he sheaths his sword to simply backhand Zelda and smiles in the wind of Hyrule after being STABBED IN THE HEAD! The most sympathetic villain yet.
Best companion
You always have someone follow you around, telling you where to go and what you should do, whether or not you're doing that at that moment. Spirit Tracks is not included, since that one has Zelda.Skyward Sword comes last, since Fi is pretty bland. She was made to be a little appealing with numbers and "what you would call sadness" in her speech, but then there's her telling you there's a 90% chance that the thing we want is exactly where someone said the thing is or that an obvious symbol is related to the wall someone said is linked to a symbol. And her ringing of "your health is/batteries are low". It flashes for a reason. Fi. She does gain points for having to deduce that the talking shrub is not Zelda.
Navi. I don't have to say anything about why she annoys- HEY! I am not pressing that button just so you can tell he the mountain I am climbing looks odd. But as a metaphor for childhood innocence, she's dramatic and despite the anger, you felt a little something when she flew off. And it wasn't forced. Fi, I don't care.
Then there's King of Red Lions from WW. You're a King with loads of regrets, but you don't really do much. You help me travel, but in terms of hints or reminders, you just sit there. You're integral to the plot, but you're only barely a companion. It's the character that makes you here, not the actual gameplay.
Winning this round? Twilight Princess with the Twilight born imp lady Midna. She instantly gains your attention from her presence and taunting, seeming so mean and uncaring to everything you do and being enjoyed for that. When Zelda goes, she starts to really bond with you and her uncaring nature dissolves, but her sass stays right where it is. She even gets resurrected and jokes about Link not saying anything. And then there's her final goodbye which needed no help in moving the audience.
---
These were the first four categories, and I look forward to working on the next lot.
Wednesday, 22 August 2012
Slender
A tall, slim and pale creature who exists from the purest of fears, inspiring them much the same. No eyes, and always watching those who he chooses for whatever purpose he may have. A mystery beyond all else in existence that has started hundreds to search him out, and thousands to run in terror.
With such power to ruin records of himself, take lives at a whim, be everywhere, control people to reach his victims and put his victims through agonising mental torture, I must be in possession of the most deranged mind to think that he would be a brilliant starting point for comedy.
You're probably agreeing with the deranged mind thing right now, but hear me out.
Slender is scary. Pure fear. And that is wonderful. It's so rare we get something as simple and terrifying as him to haunt out nightmares and create video games and I genuinely want him to be around for a great deal longer.
But as much as I admire him, I don't like to be scared as much as others do, so I can't exactly read or watch his mythos. And with there being so much of the mythos, there's obviously going to be errors and clichés that folks can have a laugh at. There's even a bingo for blogs where if they have the camera man's feet in shot, have codespeak, have coughing, Slenderman is just chilling in the back or they're just plain and simply trying to be Everyman HYBRID. Surely you must agree there's a good source of parody in there!
I don't want to make Slender any less scary, and, with the right writing, he won't be. If you just make fun of people's various adaptations and the various methods of survival, along with the comedic main character, you can keep the Slender Man himself scary as ever. At most, there's a light hope spot for the people Slender isn't after.
It's not something many people would think to do, because you like the fear too much and don't think you could pull it off. But if it's well known that Slender's favourite song is "Gimme 20 Dollars" and he still scares the bajingo out of me, I think this could be alright.
With such power to ruin records of himself, take lives at a whim, be everywhere, control people to reach his victims and put his victims through agonising mental torture, I must be in possession of the most deranged mind to think that he would be a brilliant starting point for comedy.
You're probably agreeing with the deranged mind thing right now, but hear me out.
Slender is scary. Pure fear. And that is wonderful. It's so rare we get something as simple and terrifying as him to haunt out nightmares and create video games and I genuinely want him to be around for a great deal longer.
But as much as I admire him, I don't like to be scared as much as others do, so I can't exactly read or watch his mythos. And with there being so much of the mythos, there's obviously going to be errors and clichés that folks can have a laugh at. There's even a bingo for blogs where if they have the camera man's feet in shot, have codespeak, have coughing, Slenderman is just chilling in the back or they're just plain and simply trying to be Everyman HYBRID. Surely you must agree there's a good source of parody in there!
I don't want to make Slender any less scary, and, with the right writing, he won't be. If you just make fun of people's various adaptations and the various methods of survival, along with the comedic main character, you can keep the Slender Man himself scary as ever. At most, there's a light hope spot for the people Slender isn't after.
It's not something many people would think to do, because you like the fear too much and don't think you could pull it off. But if it's well known that Slender's favourite song is "Gimme 20 Dollars" and he still scares the bajingo out of me, I think this could be alright.
Thursday, 9 August 2012
The problem with the nonsense
In an old xkcd comic, it was pointed out that Monty Python, famed for its liberal application of nonsensical sketches and the utterly hilarious madness, has been quoted word for word for years. Whilst this is a decent tribute to the original words, it doesn't keep with the spirit, as things stop becoming nonsense when it's something everyone knows.
Heck, even one of the cast members decided to change the parrot sketch during a live performance by responding to "well, it's dead" with "oh, yes it is. Let me get you a refund."
But I've noticed that it's not merely Monty Python. Every iteration of every form of nonsense comedy we have is always said and done almost exactly the same.
Asdfmovie? You know the animation, you remember the skits, you can probably say them line for line. Which is weird, because the sketches are designed to be as random as possible, while the quotes are always the exact same script.
Same with Alice in Wonderland. When you think of wonderland, you might thing of Alice falling down a rabbit hole and landing in a hallway; you might think of mushrooms and caterpillars; you might think of the queen of hearts decapitating at every opportunity; you might think of the hare and the hatter having tea; you might think of cabbages and kings. And this is because this is what you were told during the original book.
The sequel was only related to the first by the main character, the author, and the name of the place she was in. Why would he do this? Because wonderland is nonsense that happens in an order that can only really make sense to the person experiencing it, and they only buy it due to willing suspense of disbelief.
And every time anyone bases something in wonderland, it's the original with choice pieces of the sequel and everything is the same, which flies in the face of wonderland's concept. Not only should it be different for each person, given it's a dream world, but it's different every time they visit.
You may not want to have Alice in Wonderland without the hatter, because he's such a staple that you'd be mad not to have him, but I have to remind you "we're all a little mad here".
My wonderland will have several things unique to it. Firstly, there will be snow at some point, because snow's cool. Secondly, there will be a woman in a dark wooded area trying to play on a heavily broken guitar while keeping only the loosest grasp on what's going on around her. This is based on the film Pixel Perfect when one of the characters goes into the mind of another (as they're in a coma) and sees her with a broken guitar.
There will also be a space ship, because they rock.
Please, to my two remaining readers, make sure you honour the spirit of the nonsense by adding in something unexpected.
Eg: "It worked! My time machine worked!" "Ug but rock on stick! Checkmate!"
[Update] Basically, what happened with Eric Idle in the closing ceremony of the Olympics.
Heck, even one of the cast members decided to change the parrot sketch during a live performance by responding to "well, it's dead" with "oh, yes it is. Let me get you a refund."
But I've noticed that it's not merely Monty Python. Every iteration of every form of nonsense comedy we have is always said and done almost exactly the same.
Asdfmovie? You know the animation, you remember the skits, you can probably say them line for line. Which is weird, because the sketches are designed to be as random as possible, while the quotes are always the exact same script.
Same with Alice in Wonderland. When you think of wonderland, you might thing of Alice falling down a rabbit hole and landing in a hallway; you might think of mushrooms and caterpillars; you might think of the queen of hearts decapitating at every opportunity; you might think of the hare and the hatter having tea; you might think of cabbages and kings. And this is because this is what you were told during the original book.
The sequel was only related to the first by the main character, the author, and the name of the place she was in. Why would he do this? Because wonderland is nonsense that happens in an order that can only really make sense to the person experiencing it, and they only buy it due to willing suspense of disbelief.
And every time anyone bases something in wonderland, it's the original with choice pieces of the sequel and everything is the same, which flies in the face of wonderland's concept. Not only should it be different for each person, given it's a dream world, but it's different every time they visit.
You may not want to have Alice in Wonderland without the hatter, because he's such a staple that you'd be mad not to have him, but I have to remind you "we're all a little mad here".
My wonderland will have several things unique to it. Firstly, there will be snow at some point, because snow's cool. Secondly, there will be a woman in a dark wooded area trying to play on a heavily broken guitar while keeping only the loosest grasp on what's going on around her. This is based on the film Pixel Perfect when one of the characters goes into the mind of another (as they're in a coma) and sees her with a broken guitar.
There will also be a space ship, because they rock.
Please, to my two remaining readers, make sure you honour the spirit of the nonsense by adding in something unexpected.
Eg: "It worked! My time machine worked!" "Ug but rock on stick! Checkmate!"
[Update] Basically, what happened with Eric Idle in the closing ceremony of the Olympics.
Saturday, 21 July 2012
Olympia
Drinking game! Take a shot every time anything on British television mentions the olympics, either written or spoken! Rerun's don't count, as we want you to survive.
Back in 2004-ish, it was announced that Britain will be hosting the 2012 Olympic Games, and everyone was happy. People of my age were often told "you'll be old enough to compete in the Olympics" as a reason for us to be sporty. Cups were being designed, competitions were run, planning and all that.
But it's been 8 years of "hey, we're doing the olympics" and I am really looking forward to September.
If you couldn't guess, I am a massive geek and not over sport. I didn't watch the Beijing Olympics, I don't follow the athletes' stories, I don't swoon over the torch and have never been particularly won over by the hype of anything. If I celebrate the games at all, it'll be by playing a video game with a competition related theme or watching Grifball.
It especially doesn't help that most stories we hear about it give an indication that it won't be as amazing as everyone's telling themselves. The clock broke after 24 hours, the opening has a deleted scene, and the rest of it seems a little wacky, everyone's short staffed, there's a snake in Boris Johnson's boot, the tickets were managed horrendously...
Let me explain using an analogy. Imagine a concert was announced for Carly Rae Jepsen and everyone is excited about it. T-shirts are being designed through competitions, the venue is being renovated, and the whole world is expected to turn up for it.
But since there's a limited number of tickets, we'll use a wacky method of selling them! Instead of first come, first serve, we'll make it a lottery where it costs buckloads for a set of tickets, and you have to cross your fingers that you got the ones you wanted! If you got the wrong number of tickets, or they're for the wrong venue, then good luck trying to sell them without seeming immoral.
So, to increase your chances of getting the right tickets, you book more than you want! This works right until the moment where you get every ticket you booked. That's too many! How can you be expected to afford this? This went badly!
Oh no! Asbestos in the arena! We'll have to remodel! Assuming the venue is ready by the concert date, it will be expected to cost twice as much as initially thought! But hopefully, tourism will help to balance the chequebook, since Jepsen's such a big attraction.
Hey, it seems that every marketing department in the world realised this too! Why, it only makes sense to make a profit from this. So they have Call Me Maybe play over their ads, or even have Jepsen hersalf appear in the advert, and wrap it off by claiming to be sponsoring the concert. After all, people will love Jepsen enough to buy literally everything that sponsors it, right? Not just the decent stuff? Sturgeon's Law doesn't apply to us, does it?
Then the marketing departments of the non-sponsors realises they missed out, and their competitors are doing better because they're an official sponsor. Well then, they'll have to sponsor someone else popular! Taylor Swift's pretty popular, isn't she? Or maybe we'll get Rebecca Black!
And then you have to expect every company that has any ties to the concert to create some bit of merchandice for the concert, putting her concert logo or her face on anything that people might barely want. Cups, travel mugs, coasters, pillows, desks, dvds, ancient documents, books, bookmarks, socks, beddings and who else knows is adorned in either her or music to drum up sales of their hot water bottles. Because everyone will buy this blister pad so they can look back on the time Carly Rae Jepsen played in their countries concert hall.
And the news can't stop going on about the concert, mentioning their plans to either increase security, fix the toilets, shoot down die-hard Rhianna fans, run their opening act, sell drinks at the minibars in hotels for high prices or run a boombox across the M25.
But it will all be worth it when the concert begins and fans will have a good couple of weeks to enjoy everything the last campaign of media hype has been leading to.
...Unless you dislike her music and would much rather just watch doctor who, in which case you've been tormented by her face for the past I don't know how long and endured a stupid overplayed and unoriginal meme for something you honestly don't give a sh*t about.
Basically, what I'm saying is GO AWAY, CARLY RAE JEPSON!
Oh, and the Olympics is overplayed.
Back in 2004-ish, it was announced that Britain will be hosting the 2012 Olympic Games, and everyone was happy. People of my age were often told "you'll be old enough to compete in the Olympics" as a reason for us to be sporty. Cups were being designed, competitions were run, planning and all that.
But it's been 8 years of "hey, we're doing the olympics" and I am really looking forward to September.
If you couldn't guess, I am a massive geek and not over sport. I didn't watch the Beijing Olympics, I don't follow the athletes' stories, I don't swoon over the torch and have never been particularly won over by the hype of anything. If I celebrate the games at all, it'll be by playing a video game with a competition related theme or watching Grifball.
It especially doesn't help that most stories we hear about it give an indication that it won't be as amazing as everyone's telling themselves. The clock broke after 24 hours, the opening has a deleted scene, and the rest of it seems a little wacky, everyone's short staffed, there's a snake in Boris Johnson's boot, the tickets were managed horrendously...
Let me explain using an analogy. Imagine a concert was announced for Carly Rae Jepsen and everyone is excited about it. T-shirts are being designed through competitions, the venue is being renovated, and the whole world is expected to turn up for it.
But since there's a limited number of tickets, we'll use a wacky method of selling them! Instead of first come, first serve, we'll make it a lottery where it costs buckloads for a set of tickets, and you have to cross your fingers that you got the ones you wanted! If you got the wrong number of tickets, or they're for the wrong venue, then good luck trying to sell them without seeming immoral.
So, to increase your chances of getting the right tickets, you book more than you want! This works right until the moment where you get every ticket you booked. That's too many! How can you be expected to afford this? This went badly!
Oh no! Asbestos in the arena! We'll have to remodel! Assuming the venue is ready by the concert date, it will be expected to cost twice as much as initially thought! But hopefully, tourism will help to balance the chequebook, since Jepsen's such a big attraction.
Hey, it seems that every marketing department in the world realised this too! Why, it only makes sense to make a profit from this. So they have Call Me Maybe play over their ads, or even have Jepsen hersalf appear in the advert, and wrap it off by claiming to be sponsoring the concert. After all, people will love Jepsen enough to buy literally everything that sponsors it, right? Not just the decent stuff? Sturgeon's Law doesn't apply to us, does it?
Then the marketing departments of the non-sponsors realises they missed out, and their competitors are doing better because they're an official sponsor. Well then, they'll have to sponsor someone else popular! Taylor Swift's pretty popular, isn't she? Or maybe we'll get Rebecca Black!
And then you have to expect every company that has any ties to the concert to create some bit of merchandice for the concert, putting her concert logo or her face on anything that people might barely want. Cups, travel mugs, coasters, pillows, desks, dvds, ancient documents, books, bookmarks, socks, beddings and who else knows is adorned in either her or music to drum up sales of their hot water bottles. Because everyone will buy this blister pad so they can look back on the time Carly Rae Jepsen played in their countries concert hall.
And the news can't stop going on about the concert, mentioning their plans to either increase security, fix the toilets, shoot down die-hard Rhianna fans, run their opening act, sell drinks at the minibars in hotels for high prices or run a boombox across the M25.
But it will all be worth it when the concert begins and fans will have a good couple of weeks to enjoy everything the last campaign of media hype has been leading to.
...Unless you dislike her music and would much rather just watch doctor who, in which case you've been tormented by her face for the past I don't know how long and endured a stupid overplayed and unoriginal meme for something you honestly don't give a sh*t about.
Basically, what I'm saying is GO AWAY, CARLY RAE JEPSON!
Oh, and the Olympics is overplayed.
Saturday, 7 July 2012
Words
This is a nitpick, but it's a word that just bugs me.
Threshold
You don't see it, do you? Nothing?
See, it's pronounced (from Dictionary.reference.com) thresh-hohld. Always spelt like that and always pronounced like that, but it just doesn't look like it should work like that.
With the spelling, it should be pronounced either thresh-old or thres-hold. The second is madness, while the first makes me feel like I'm using a white van man accent, and even then I slightly use the H. The letter h is pulling double duty as the h for 'hold' and the h in the 'sh' sound.
If it were spelt as it's pronounced, it would have two h-es back to back, which looks weird. Threshhold.
Just a nitpick, but it bugs me.
Threshold
You don't see it, do you? Nothing?
See, it's pronounced (from Dictionary.reference.com) thresh-hohld. Always spelt like that and always pronounced like that, but it just doesn't look like it should work like that.
With the spelling, it should be pronounced either thresh-old or thres-hold. The second is madness, while the first makes me feel like I'm using a white van man accent, and even then I slightly use the H. The letter h is pulling double duty as the h for 'hold' and the h in the 'sh' sound.
If it were spelt as it's pronounced, it would have two h-es back to back, which looks weird. Threshhold.
Just a nitpick, but it bugs me.
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