Not gay

Seriously. I am admittedly camp, but I'm not gay.

Sure, I like musicals, but only if they're actually good. Some musicals are absolutely epic, and nothing about it can make you any less of a man. Wicked, for example, turns what is truly the most difficult musical to defend from the cries of being called homosexual into something completely badass. The Tinman is one of the most gay things in the show, and he's turned into a Munchkin who had to be turned to tin in order to save him from a curse of a heartbroken witch.

I skip and act very melodramatic, but that's just cause I'm bizarre. Wouldn't quite say confident, but I'm definitely uninhibited by social stigma. To a certain degree. I am still law abiding.

I'm kind. This is one trait that I find very upsetting to be set to the homosexuals. Kind hetero guys do exist, but we're just shy. Stop typecasting us.

And don't consider the unmanly to be gay. MEN aren't manly. If you see a manly man, ask yourself why he chose to make himself appear so manly. If they were actually like men, they'd be sitting watching TV and playing videogames.

I draw. Artsy guys are considered to be homosexual, but not only is that false (Van Gogh as my example), I am not arty. I just draw. No talent. There's a slight appeal to my style, but no actual skill.

I often glomp my best guy friend. It's called a Bromance. We care and get along amazingly, but that's it. There are songs about this stuff.

The humorous thing is said friend could possibly be gay, but acts incredibly straight. Not as in MANLEH, but you wouldn't be able to tell his orientation. Heck, he can't tell his orientation. Combined, we can destroy your gaydar.

Myself

Hey. I decided to basically sum myself up for the 3 people who read by blog but don't know me. I'm probably exaggerating: The 2 people who don't know me.

I'll start with the physical aspects. My eyes? Brown/hazel. My skin? Mild tan. My hair? Brown, but very dark. Regardless of what Angel says, and I know she's arguing with me already, it's not black. Also, my smile's not that good: If I bear teeth, it looks cheesy, but otherwise I don't look happy.

Often I wear a t-shirt and jeans. I also always wear boxers, lest I be nude. My t-shirts vary in colour, but frequently have a witty caption or something. I also have many a hoodie, and wear them when I can. They vary from a plain brown one to a light blue one with Yoda on it to a purple zip-up one with a green circle in the middle.

In terms of personality, I'm rather cheery and idiotic. Seriously, I think my entire personality can be attributed to trying to make people happy. I make a lot of bad jokes, and open myself up for a lot of slapstick. Totally not a masochist, though.

Despite the blog, I don't talk very long-winded. Admittedly, when I start talking adamantly about something, I can go on and on, but the occasion is more often reduced now to "I wrote a blog about this". Also, people interrupt.

I am very lame. Not just self-deprecating, I am actually deluding myself if I don't call myself that. I tell many a bad joke, I'm into some very geeky stuff (Doctor Who, Firefly, Zelda, etc.), I suck at sport, I'm melodramatic...

Oh, and I'm a rather nice guy. Kind of goes into the above statement that I base my personality on other people's happiness, but it's to the point where my smile increases with other people's and I always try to console any of my friends when they're sad.

If I were to summarise, I would say I'm moderate. I'm not that attractive (cue disagreement...), but I do have a good sense of humour, and many a folk enjoy my company. I'm that level of good you find on dating sites where they don't want to oversell themselves but want to make themselves as appealing as possible. But I disagree with having a bubbly personality. I am not bad for teeth.

Speculative fiction

Love sure is complex, isn't it? I could just fill the whole blog with my thoughts on the matter. However, I've made two blog posts about romance this month, and a whole month of romance blogs isn't good for my idea of this blog being diverse, so I'll talk about Sci-Fi.

Sci-fi: The genre that encapsulates other worlds with robots and the future. You often find some lackey at a big corporation discovering a dark secret about the big boss guy, and gathers a small rag tag team to go on big- wait. Sci-fi's more of a setting than a genre. Just allows you to explain some of the plot-points using superior technology.

Well... That went silly. Might as well discuss fantasy.

Fantasy, a frequent quasi-medieval genre that brings powerful wizards and swords and elves and the like. You've often got a peasant discovering a king is using dark magics, and so he gathers a small and plucky ragtag team to go on a big... Huh... So, replace the technology with magic and nothing's different...

Well, I didn't call it Sci-fi or fantasy, did I? It's all speculative fiction. I got the term from tvtropes, and like it. The only difference is that one explains all the important stuff with future technology or other worlds, while the other explains things with magic or... other worlds...

Ok... This is a complex posting. Basically, the setting often has technology/magic created by a scientist/sorcerer, with the situation being watched on a monitor/in a pensive by a corrupt bureaucrat/off-worlder/king/dark lord from a spacecraft/office/castle. If it's a war based film, expect a super soldier/warrior. If it's a noble quest, expect a lowly worker/peasant.

It doesn't matter what the plot is, cause one is interchangeable for the other. All that changes is how you explain things. You just have one army of orcs and one army of very possibly identical aliens with an identical way of thinking. You have one teleport spell and one teleporter. You've got one archer and one sniper. Not much else changes, really.

I thought this would be longer. Well, shows what I get for thinking, I guess.

Attraction

I've decided to make a comment on what I find attractive, as I have no life. Seriously, it's this or Pilotwings. And in case any of my readers didn't know (which you probably do, since you are my very close friends and my sister), me and Angel are single.

...Ladies?

So, a lot of girls are often bulimic or anorexic because they find themselves too obese. You are not obese. You are very skinny. Very skinny. While many girls aim for a flat stomach, a concave stomach is just weird. Nobody wants that. Eat something, will ya? Deity...

Oh, and let me sort out your wardrobe indecision: it doesn't matter what clothes you wear, as a great amount of guys will imagine you without them. Something casual, but not a jogging suit. On that note, if you own a jogging suit, sell burn it.

While many girls will try to add a little bit of glamour to their skin, you shouldn't rely on it. Easy on with the make-up. People aim for sun-kissed, not sun-frenched. I know we say we love your lips, eyes, and cheeks, and that we wish we could take them wherever we go, but if we succeed due to an accidental smudging during a sweet moment, then a lot of the romance will disapperate.

Your hair? There have been many a day where I do not notice that the entire mass has changed from medium brunette to incredibly rainbow, and I'm just wondering why you remind me of Rainbow Dash. It can be assumed it's little skin off my back that you're trying out a straightened look.

Then there's your nails. I've never understood the appeal of having them long. I like hugs. I like my kidneys. Don't make me choose between having one or the other.

Men don't like Bieber, so don't confess your undying love for him. In fact, try to restrict who you say you're head over heels for to the person who you are actually trying to court. If you say you love ice cream to your boyfriend, then consider yourself lucky that Ben and Jerry aren't being violently attacked moments after.

Also, the saying you can't have your cake and eat it too is a load of crock. Having cake but the inability to eat it is a cruel and unusual punishment which Chell was never granted. Do not try to make him choose between his enjoyments and you, because that doesn't make you seem very appealing. Join in, or go away.

Also, if you got the Chell joke: Hi. How you doin'?

Yep. Big one. Personality. Having a nice body can make many a man turn their head with interest. A sly reference t the Hyrulean royal family can make me do somersaults and slay Hungarian Horntails for a glomp. True story.

Please remember, everyone has different interests. Some people find girls more attractive for staring in low budget films. I know that me and Sir Mixalot have a very different opinion on a female rump. So this is not a universal guide, just a slightly relevant guide to me.

RomComs

Ah... The romantic comedy... It's like a romantic tragedy, except things end well and nobody dies.

Now, don't let the name fool you: this is incredibly rarely funny, and it will not be original. I have found a pattern, as most of you have too. So sit back and prepare to nod in agreement, feeling validated that someone else thinks the same as you.

The setting
This is the main thing that varies, but not by much. They are almost always in a city or urban area of some sort. They are almost always set at the exact date the film is being shot. They are almost always real places. Otherwise, they'd have to spend some money on locations.

The hero
This is the generic person who is meant to be the way in for the viewer, so they can pretend that they're the one who... let's say Mila Kunis is infatuated with, but you're not really Jason Segal. Unless you are, in which case, this is totally frekking awesome!

They're either a nice guy who remains unlucky in love or a total jerk who becomes nice over the course of the film, depending on what basic story is being used. There's probably one thing about them that is mildly humorous in concept, which will shape the entire film, unless he's a jerk, in which case his thing is being a jerk. Let me tell you, a funny concept does not provide a mountain of hilarity.

The girl
This can vary in gender, depending on  the gender of the hero. They will always be described as something along the lines of "the hottest thing ever" which everyone must insta-swoon over. You know, people really hype up celebrity attractiveness too much. Angelina Jolie? Eh. Doesn't do it for me. I digress.

So, this girl will find the nice guy, on account of every other guy in the cast either being a total must not swear, must not swear... or a member of a beta couple, absolutely amazing. If the guy is a jerk, she will hate him aloud, but for some reason find his being within several people most of the time charming.

The friends
They're the most humorous thing here, but remain on the "slight titter" end of the scale. They will commonly comment on the primary relationship, even giving the small speech at the end about why they should be a couple. The main friend will be in a beta couple, without doubt.


The argument
"You slept with my sister while stabbing my mother? We're through!!!" "You and I clearly have nothing in common, which I should have noticed earlier! I'm leaving!" "We haven't had a fight, nor have we had any reason to fight, due to the fact that neither one of us is creating any problems for the other through personality or circumstance. Clearly it wasn't meant to work out!"

No matter the relationship, there will be a tiny feud which ends everything immediately. Every. Time. Without. Fail. Pistachio.

The epiphany
"You were meant to be together!" "You're right! I don't know why I let her leave!"

"Yeah, she was always correcting me about stuff." "She made you feel dumb? We do have things in common!"

"What'cha thinking about?" "I just realised. I always hated my mother!"

Suddenly, they realise they shouldn't have broken up, or forgotten that they really should have. I forget which, but they run up to each other, and take each other back instantly, without considering how bad they were together and that since they broke up there's an issue with the couple. Then they make kissy faces, and the camera pans away.

Basically, the only reason the genre is so populated is because regular romances aren't as popular and people don't like sad endings. If you want to write a RomCom, then just take the script of one existing rom com, alter the characters and settings so they fit your mad libs, refilm it and hey presto.

I'm looking forward to the RomCom where they don't get back together because they realised that they weren't supposed to be a couple, or they just move the frig on.

Doctor Who (And it's legacy)

Ok, I've just seen the latest Torchwood episode, and if I didn't comment on it, I'd have the most inconsistent blog ever. So, here goes.

Doctor who
An amazing show. There's a new story nearly every week it's on air, but a consistent plot running throughout. Whether the main character (The doctor) is solving a murder mystery with Agatha Christie, or his spaceship has been put inside a woman and the actual box is run by a sentient rock, there's a simple character running across all dimensions and having zany adventures.

...Writing that, I realize it sounds ruddy daft. OK. An immortal being known, as the Doctor, from a powerful race of Time Lords, steals a sentient box from his people before the show begins (even the classic form). The box, known as the TARDIS (Time And Relative Dimensions In Space) allows for travel to anywhere and anywhen. The power within it can shut off the sun, win wars in less time than it takes for Rebecca Black to annoy you, and ended and rebooted the entire universe.

Why did the Doctor do it? To sight-see.

He picks up companions, he sends pirates out to space, he replaces every cell he has when he's about to die. Depending on where the box wants to land, he could be in a silly adventure where he has to live with a guy who likes a girl or a scary adventure in a temple of living statues that can do terrible things when you can't see them. Whatever he's doing, it's a great watch for the entire family.

Love it.

Sarah Jane Adventures
Then there's the Sarah Jane Adventures. A former traveling companion of the Doctor's decides to settle down in an off-focus London road with a Zylok supercomputer. She can't exactly leave her old life behind, so all of the alien activity within a short driving distance gets investigated by her, her adopted perfect human son, and a specific selection of his friends.

The series went really well, as it wasn't over-cheesing itself or putting a silly clown nose on everything with teeth, despite being aimed more for kids. It acts like any serious sci-fi would, being as clever as it's parent show with it's reveal and just thinking "the universe really is a wonderful thing".

Rest in Peace, Elisabeth Sladen.

Torchwood
A former dead former companion and former time-agent known as Captain Jack Harkness decides to try and track down the Doctor by sitting in a rift in Cardiff. This takes a while, and he decides to pass the time by gathering a team and dealing with the less than pleasant creatures roaming the streets. This is... less child friendly.

With the third season, they stopped going for weekly adventures and decided to have a long adventure where something horrific befalls humanity and we have to deal with it. It does not just say "the universe is full of big meanies" but follows up with "we are too". It's the pessimist version.

I have to say, I made the entire blog just to criticize Torchwood. It's just... not a good show. Some shows can make themselves darker than the original, but Torchwood just went a bit too dark. And don't get me started on 'Children of Earth'.

The season 'Children of Earth' is based on a species that use children as drugs, and command humanity to give them however many kids they want. Humanity would more likely just say "you want a bunch of our kids? F off mate! I will shoot you!" instead of "oh, a deadly alien race that won't even show themselves. Let's cow-toe to their every beck and call."

And the solution was thrown together in the last 5 minutes and clearly only thought up as the most horrifying solution, aside from the most practical. I believe there's a term for an ending like the one they used: http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/AssPull

Pretty sure the idea of doctor who is that the universe is amazing, and you should totally check out all it's glorious bits. Torchwood says that is is horrifying, and any contact we have with them will result in complete devastation.

The you learn of the gorn that results from immortal characters. Christ...

So, Doctor Who is amazing, Sarah Jane Adventures is a very worthy follow-on, Torchwood pains me with how it has to be canon.

I'll speak in a nicer tone of voice next time.

Action Heroes

Not talking about super heroes this time. Honestly, I'd talk about the powers as a topic more realistically, but that's neither here nor there. This is about action films and, guess what, my pet peeves in the genre that I actually quite enjoy if they can balance the drama with the loveability of the characters.

Most action films will contain three characters: the hero, the sidekick, and the girl. This is the team, and the genders of each member can change but a few basic facts will always happen.

The sidekick may already know the hero, or may just be interested in why that weird guy on the bus is holding that pretty stick with a demon coming out of the- oh shiv. He will follow along with the hero in whatever quest they're going on, but his helpfulness will be easily matched by a laptop with wheels in a hamster ball.

If anything, he'll make it more difficult by paying the attention most normal people would to a temple of the other-world candles, putting the hero into a death trap. No motorcycle chases for you, you're only allowed to ride in the van making unhelpful satire. All you're allowed to do is make sure there's a guy following the hero in all his dangerous situations so the audience knows which guy is impressive. Spoiler alert: it's not you.

The girl is something added to have an instant romance subplot. Maybe she's the interesting girl in the test-tube who the main character met and fell in love with for a reason other than how she wasn't grown with a t-shirt. Maybe she's the girl who got in the taxi with the bomb the hero was disarming that never thought "maybe I'll ask him to pull over for a second". Maybe she's the hero's former summer fling.

All we know is that she will give playful snarks to the hero, because that is literally all that is needed for a movie relationship. She will be less helpful than the sidekick, in that she will be kidnapped every twelve seconds by, get this, an elbow hold.

Also, she will get a happily ever after with the hero right up to the point that a sequel is announced when she is completely forgotten by the series. It's upsetting that so many relationships are killed by action film sequels.

Then there's the hero.

He's a nob.

Oh, you want me to elaborate? Alright. He is a ruggedly handsome bad boy who, for some often weakly explained motive, wants to find the MacGuffin before the generic bad guys (either a vaguely mentioned Soviet Union or the Nazis) get it and use it to brush their evil teeth or whatever the MacGuffin does. By merit of being the hero, he get's all the glory and the girl swoons for him.

And he's just that certain level of badass where he can do superb stunts that you and I would struggle to do as well as he did, but just bad enough to fail right up until the last second where he attained a victory that a trained marine would have managed. In Galaxy Quest, the self-destruct timer doesn't actually stop until it reaches 1 second, even if you hit the button to deactivate it.

I'm bored of this, aren't you?

I want to see a hero win a fight efficiently enough to not fall off a cliff afterwards. I want to see the girl turn down the hero because, oh yeah, you threw her out of a plane. I want someone to notice the hero just punched someone to get a free drink. I want the girl to realize the sidekick is a way better catch than the hero. I want the sidekick to be as good as the audience he represents, and not doom all of humanity, but realize pushing the do not push button is a bad idea. I want a more real action hero. Not a Hollywood "you like this guy" protagonist.